Taylor's Got Words Like Knives, Swords and Weapons She'll Use Against You

You probably know exactly what I'm referencing in this post title, because anyone with a female reproductive system is born knowing every single angsty lyric to all Taylor Swift songs.

I'm not hating on Taylor, I can't even pretend. On my list of guilty pleasures, her sing-talking, men-hating, country- pop is #1.  I have a theory that every girl secretly likes Taylor Swift. You can hate everything about her, but your high school self can't help but identify with unrequited chemistry class love.

Every girl has a tiny voice in her head that is a vindictive sociopath who kills all 6 of her cheating  husbands. In everyday life, we push that voice into the recesses of our women brains and try to act like normal, chill human beings who won't text you 235 times in one day and make you our cover photo after 2 dates.

Taylor Swift is that voice in our heads. Taylor thinks its okay to plan a honeymoon with someone you've never met, and it's totally chill to light a guy's dog on fire if he doesn't call you back. She's every girl's secret release for their inner murderer.

In honor of her new album I'm counting down the worst of the best, the lyrics so bad they're good. And I'm doing it all for the queen of unhealthy obsession and 2 week relationships, T. Swizzle.

10) Picture to Burn 
Do you ever have acid -induced  fever dreams about destroying an ex-boyfriend's house? Are you flirting with a restraining order? Do you like the thrill of getting arrested for breaking and entering, but also enjoy a good rhinestone guitar? Then this song is for you. Tay lets loose on some sexist NASCAR enthusiast who wouldn't let her drive his redneck truck, and made an awesome trespassing themed music video.

Best Lyric: "So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy. That's fine I'll tell mine that you're gay." 
^ Single best line in any of her songs, because what girl doesn't tell her friends the asshole they dated is a closeted homosexual?

9) Teardrops on my Guitar Anyone with a female reproductive system loves this goddamn song. Every girl has been secretly obsessed with some man who looks like a Disney prince and has been friend-zoned hardcore. I am the undisputed queen of the friend-zone. I live in Friend-zone, USA and pay a pretty high property tax. (Just because I like football doesn't mean I don't also like making out with your face). I love this song because it was the first time we realized this bitch was out for blood. Drew was a bit of a douche, and the whole world was going to hear about it.

Best Lyric: "So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light. I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight"
^ #foreveralone and making out with a picture

8)Fifteen She legitimately tells the entire universe her ginger best friend lost her v-card to a total toolbox. What. Taylor. You just can't do that. BUT SHE DID.

Best Lyric: "And then you're on your very first date and hes got a car. And you're feeling like flying." 
^ WHAT?!?!? He has a freaking car?? MARRY HIM! Drop out of high school and marry him in a Pinterest-style barn wedding immediately.

7) Sparks Fly
This is the musical version of every bad romantic comedy that gives you hope for true love with Matthew McConaughey. This song exists in an alternate universe where men drop everything they're doing to make- out with you in the rain. It is misleading, but it's an excellent song. This song is also mainly about Taylor wanting the D. It's all about how she just can't wait and needs to kiss his face immediately. I like her style.

Best Lyric: "You touch me once and it's really something You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be"
 ^ A causal reference to the imaginary sex she dreamed of them having for the past four months.

6) Forever and Always
This song is about Joe Jonas breaking up with her via telephone. She was not pleased. I saw her perform this song at a concert and she kicked a couch over. I am now beginning to realize she might be a Hulk-like alien brought to this Earth to take the male species down a notch.

Best Lyric: "'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone."
^ Why is it raining inside? Is the rain her tears? I think she just got lazy with this metaphor.

5) Better Than Revenge 
I think this is when America realized Taylor Swift was actually batshit crazy and we were paying her millions of dollars to sing about stuff she should be talking over with a therapist. Apparently Camilla Belle stole Taylor's boyfriend, killed her whole family, and lit her dog on fire, because this song is just ruthless. In all fairness, she did take him faster than you could say sabotage.  This song is so bad it's good. It was emotionally torturous for me to pick a favorite line because they are all so beautifully hateful. (She straight- up calls her a giant slut in that mattress lyric) And any song where there are a few lines of just straight talking, you know shit is about to get Tayloriffic.

Best Lyric: "Sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know. Or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go. Oh, they didn't teach you that in prep school, so it's up to me. But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity"
^What does this even mean? It's awesome because it literally makes no sense. Why vintage dresses? Also, my borderline schizophrenic high school Latin teacher once put this on the board for the quote of the day. He had no good explanation except that Taylor Swift " was a prophet who understood Roman morals". 

4) Should've Said No 

In all seriousness, I think this is Taylor's most honest and just totally accurate song. At some point in her life, every female just gets totally fed up with the "I'm sorry"s.   If you are so sorry, why did you act like such an asshat in the first place? Don't put your private parts in places they're s not supposed to be, it's not rocket science. You will get broken up with, and your ex-girlfriend will belt this song in her Honda Civic for the next 3 weeks until she gets over you and starts dating a soccer player. 

Best Lyric: "You should've said, "No!"  You should've gone home" 
^ Seriously, just call your mom/ a cab/ or wait 18 hours for a SafeRide. If would've just gone home, you could still be dating this emotionally unstable blonde Amazon woman who has named all your children already.  

3) Mean Sometimes I get the feeling that's me against the world, when in actuality "the world" doesn't  really care about how much 30 Rock I'm watching or how bad I am at karaoke. This is the ultimate anthem for kids who were weird in high school. Therefore this song is the anthem of everyone at Northwestern. It's a nice way to lyrically flip off the kid from high school who played football and never invited you to his cool lake house parties. You're going to be an investment banker with a hot spouse, and that kid is now either attending community college or working for his dad's landscaping company.

Best Lyric: "I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road."  
^ See song number 5 on this list. This is when we all realized Taylor was just full of shit. She probably never even dated John Mayer. 

2) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together Like Ever. This song is an anthem for all annoying high school relationships where you break- up everyday during 6th period. It's an anthem for the one girl whose friends all secretly hate her because she never shuts up about her horrible relationship. Nobody wants to listen to how he broke up with you on Facebook chat during lunch. I'm just tryna eat my giant cookie and talk about my homecoming dress.

Best Lyric: " Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you. And i'm like, i'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know. We are never getting back together, like ever." 
^ She just straight up talks this. Not even an attempt at singing this. Perfection.

1) You Belong With Me 
If you can listen to this song without pumping your fist in the air and singing into a hairbrush, you're probably a terrorist. This song is for every girl who liked a guy in high school but he was dating some girl who sucked. This sucky girl was really skinny, wore NARS Laguna bronzer, and was probably on homecoming court. So basically this song is for every lonely girl in America who ever lived. This song is also about being in trapped in the 5th circle of hell, the friendzone.This song could also be titled "Why Won't You Love Me? ".
Also, have you seen the music video for this song??? She plays both herself and the evil brunette girlfriend. She literally just wears glasses to look nerdy, and simply takes them off to become beautiful at prom.  It's like ABC Family had a lovechild with a Disney Channel Original Movie. The video, and her brunette wig, are flawless.

Best Lyric: "But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers."
^  It's American high school stereotypes summed up in a song. Because everyone who was cheerleader in high school dresses provocatively, drives a convertible, and is a giant bitch. The cheer captain will be dating the star football player. She will probably secretly be cheating on him. The star football player actually belongs with the nerdy cute girl. Also, one or more of these characters may be a sexy teenage vampire.

This is Journalism

I use this blog to inform people about issues dear to my heart and important to this great nation. Watch this video that has nothing to do with America and everything to do with kittens.

Adulthood is for Tools

Recently my best from high school turned 20. Right around the same time, my Artist Barbie roommate turned 21. I , of course, took these two events and made them all about me with a casual mental breakdown.

Twenty. Twenty-one. My friends are getting old. I am getting old. I will turn 20 this year. I literally don't own a pair of matching socks. I sleep exclusively in Star Wars pajamas. I'm screwed.

When I was 8 and walked around family parties rocking butterfly clips and jelly shoes, I was often introduced to older people. I still remember meeting certain people and learning their ages. If my mom told me someone was 20, I considered them an adult. They had serious relationships, body hair, and knew what the hell a 401K was.

That will be me in March. Will my family suddenly start expecting to bring someone home for Christmas? Will I need to learn how to actually write a check without calling my mom? If the answer to either of these questions is "yes", I'm about to be the worst adult ever.

Will I feel any different? Will I have to live by a new set of rules? Is going out on a Monday unacceptable when you actually turn 21?

All though these questions are a true mystery for me, I can pretty much guarantee I can not do certain things once I enter my 20s.

20. I can no longer tell my mother ," Shut up, Phineas and Ferb is on"

19. I can no longer walk around my hometown in my high school cheerleading t-shirts and Ugg boots without a stitch of makeup.

18. I probably should stop describing myself as being "knee deep in a bottle of Skol".

17.  I will need to learn how to operate a stove without destroying myself and everything I love.

16.  I can no longer cancel all my plans because of a Rizzoli and Isles marathon.

15. I can no longer describe the aforementioned Rizzoli and Isles marathon as " my best day of 2012"

14. I should stop getting rides to places/events by promising to make- out with the driver.

13. I really need to learn how to successfully deal with emotions, in ways that aren't watching "Tangled" alone and fighting back tears.

12. I need to stop caring so much about my high school's homecoming court. That is irrelevant to normal adults.

11. I need to stop telling people I've been to Disney World over 15 times.

10. I need to stop begging my parents to take me to Disney World.

9. I should learn how to use an ATM without experiencing a very small (but oh so real) panic attack.

8. I should figure out how health insurance works. Do I have it?

7. My birthday can no longer be a week long festival. It is a singular day. 

6.  I should stop making lists and/or charts to determine the perfect Halloween costume.

5. My latest Google searches can no longer include "giant tiara store" or "Phantom of the Megaplex"

4. I need to learn other ways to deal with speeding tickets besides crying/ telling the cop my boyfriend's dad is the state's attorney.

3. I should buy a thermometer without a cow on it that doesn't  moo when it reads your temperature.

2. I need to stop getting so excited about McDonald's. 

1. I really need to figure out how to operate a DVD player.

Current State of the Union

That's right, it's time to get all Massie Block up in this bitch. Gonna go put on some Glossip Girl to bring out the amber flecks in my brown eyes.

In
Under Armour
KIND Fruit and Nut Bars
Bobb McCulloch
Snapchat
Mustard's Last Stand for lunch
Hair Spray
Russian Lit 
Internet Cat Video Festival


Out
Adidas
Nutella and bread
Swanky downtown apartments 
Sexting
Ralph Lauren for lunch
Edge Tamer
Journalism in any form
Watching cat videos alone

I Be Up in The Gym..

... just workin' on my fitness.

So this summer I joined a gym. It's a really nice gym with a pool , a yoga studio, and scented towels. It's around the corner from Sprinkles Cupcakes, but that's neither here nor there. And after these few months of pumping iron, I probably could now be considered a fitness guru.

I'm just so sick of people stopping me on on the street and asking about my body. They always ask me, " What's your secret ?"  or "How ever do you maintain that Kate Hudson circa 1980 physique?!"

And I tell them the truth, it's not easy. I follow a strict diet of Greek yogurt and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, plus I  have my own patented work out plan. But I've decided to share my tried and true fitness secrets with the masses, so you too can obtain abs of steel.

1. Go on an elliptical and listen to your iPod. Put "Danza Kuduro" on repeat until you forget there are other people in the gym and start doing weird little dancing hand motions. You could also start singing in fake Spanish aloud. This will cause everyone around to leave, and you can now turn the TV closest to you to the Bravo reality show of your choice.

2. On the way into the gym, stop in the gym's apparel store. Buy a bunch of cute yoga outfits and tell yourself you are going to start taking yoga. Never attend yoga, but wear the comfortable clothes all over town. This way people don't assume you're too lazy for real pants, but that you simply came right from an intense yoga class.

3. Go into the gym's stretching area. Instead of using the mirrored walls to examine your squat technique, use this opportunity to fix your hair. That messy bun could use a few more bobby pins, you sexy fitness queen.

4. Get on a treadmill and walk on the slowest speed setting possible. This is necessary, because if you start going too fast you could miss important plot developments of a "Gallery Girls" rerun.

5. As you are perfecting your barely moving treadmill walk, an extremely fit brunette might get on the treadmill next you. She will start showing off and running. At this point, you need to race her to prove your superiority. Crank up your settings to match hers and refuse to get off until she does.

6. This race will probably cause you to tear your ACL or something equally as dramatic , you must now skip the gym for the rest of the week.

7.  Start attending early morning workout classes to start your day off right. However if you wake up too late to get Starbucks on the way, skip the class altogether.  Now feel free to sleep until noon and watch Dr. Dolittle on Netflix

8. Get hit on by the creepy gym janitor, feel great about yourself, immediately leave the gym , and reward yourself with a muffin on the way home.

9. A great way to end a workout is with a nice, refreshing steam. Go sit in the steam room for a bit. Then be freaked out by naked people and an intense fear of being locked in Final Destination style. Leave quickly.

If I Should Die Before I Wake...

One of my favorite parts of Mindy Kaling's book is the section where she leaves explicit instructions for her funeral. I am also just as important and famous, so I decided to do the same.

I hate funerals/ wakes. They suck and are held at creepy places that smell like wax. I want my funeral to be like the Irish funeral depicted in the classic film  "P.S. I Love You". But not at a pub, at a trendy bar with ceiling drapery and white leather couches that are low to the ground. And instead of shots of whiskey, my 12 closest loved ones will have to down a hot pink Cosmo before they can say what they love about me and flip the glass over on top of my little sparkly box.  (My remains will be in a small, antique-y looking box covered in large rhinestones)

I don't want everyone wearing black, because then it looks like a goddamn episode of "The Addams Family".  It can be a classy mix of black and white, so it looks like Diddy planned it.  ( Be strict about this, nothing ruins a black and white party like some asshole trying to great creative with pink accents. It's tacky).

After my friends do the Cosmo Irish funeral thing, there will be one official eulogy. This could be designated to my loving astronaut/ investment banker husband. However, if he is too distraught to speak or does not exist, my cousin Kathen can do it.

No reading of anything unless I wrote it. No poems by Emily Dickinson or Bible verses. This is a celebration of me, and therefore everyone needs to celebrate my magic way with the written word. An option for this is someone performing a dramatic reading of my most profound tweets.

"If you're taking flash photography of your baby on a 9 am train , I probably hate you." -August 2012

"I want my life to be like the post- war Harry Potter years, all of the magic and none of the fear."- June 2012

"I'm so glad ugly people can find each other and be happy."- October 2011

"If I had to be buried alive, I would be buried alive in Easy Mac because I'm confident I could eat my way out."- September 2011

Nothing religious, unless my grandma is still alive. In which case this whole thing is irrelevant, and I will be buried like the 18th century Roman Catholic saint she always wanted me to be.

I want upbeat pop music to be playing so everyone will remember how fun I was. There should also be an open bar, because the best way to deal with sorrow is alcohol and Rihanna jams.

There should be food. I hate going to something and there not being food. If I am going to make people turn off  a great episode of "The Mentalist" and put on pants that aren't of the yoga variety, there will at least be some mini corndogs offered. There probably should be a cupcake tower too.

Also, there should be a photo slideshow of pictures of me where I looked my hottest/ most fun. However, no bathing suit pics because I am not a trashy trailer park tween on MySpace.  In between the pictures of me,  the slideshow should include of the clips from all the Harry Potter films where there is apparent sexual tension between Ron and Harry. (Anyone who knows me , knows I enjoy nothing more than pointing out those erotic moments during a 12 hour HP marathon). 

 

(This picture could definitely be used. I look sad and pouty because I'm dead and can't drink vodka with my friends. Also, it showcases me in my natural state of never wearing pants)

 Ex- boyfriends are most definitely allowed at my funeral, if only so they can see the pictures of me at my hottest. They can slowly weep over how they wasted their chance with me, and missed their once shot at true happiness because I am awesome. As Mindy Kaling wisely decided, no current girlfriends of these ex- boyfriends are allowed. They will, in fact, only use my untimely passing to look hot and bitchy in a black dress.

Finally, once the funeral-ish part is over, a raging party should be begin. If my friends and family don't celebrate my life by getting intoxicated and drunk dancing to the Spice Girls, you are all doing my memory a great disservice.

10 Things That Are Easier Said Than Done

10.  Quickly shopping at Forever 21 without experiencing a mild epileptic fit.

9.  Showering without getting your hair wet.

8. Going to the Keg sober.

7.  Going to Flattop and then Andy's for a light dessert.

6. Taking NyQuil to go to sleep and then not experiencing a very real exorcism/ the second coming of Jesus when you have to wake up at 8 a.m. for Journalism 201-1.

5.  Actually working during the day, instead of Googling "Mischa Barton fat" for 6 hours.

4.  Pulling off trendy hats and no one questioning your sexuality.

3. Going to Chipotle without Grace.

2.  Going to a work-out dance fusion class and not ending the experience with self conscious tears.

1. At - home bikini wax.