I'm not hating on Taylor, I can't even pretend. On my list of guilty pleasures, her sing-talking, men-hating, country- pop is #1. I have a theory that every girl secretly likes Taylor Swift. You can hate everything about her, but your high school self can't help but identify with unrequited chemistry class love.
Every girl has a tiny voice in her head that is a vindictive sociopath who kills all 6 of her cheating husbands. In everyday life, we push that voice into the recesses of our women brains and try to act like normal, chill human beings who won't text you 235 times in one day and make you our cover photo after 2 dates.
Taylor Swift is that voice in our heads. Taylor thinks its okay to plan a honeymoon with someone you've never met, and it's totally chill to light a guy's dog on fire if he doesn't call you back. She's every girl's secret release for their inner murderer.
In honor of her new album I'm counting down the worst of the best, the lyrics so bad they're good. And I'm doing it all for the queen of unhealthy obsession and 2 week relationships, T. Swizzle.
10) Picture to Burn
Do you ever have acid -induced fever dreams about destroying an ex-boyfriend's house? Are you flirting with a restraining order? Do you like the thrill of getting arrested for breaking and entering, but also enjoy a good rhinestone guitar? Then this song is for you. Tay lets loose on some sexist NASCAR enthusiast who wouldn't let her drive his redneck truck, and made an awesome trespassing themed music video.
Best Lyric: "So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy. That's fine I'll tell mine that you're gay."
^ Single best line in any of her songs, because what girl doesn't tell her friends the asshole they dated is a closeted homosexual?
9) Teardrops on my Guitar Anyone with a female reproductive system loves this goddamn song. Every girl has been secretly obsessed with some man who looks like a Disney prince and has been friend-zoned hardcore. I am the undisputed queen of the friend-zone. I live in Friend-zone, USA and pay a pretty high property tax. (Just because I like football doesn't mean I don't also like making out with your face). I love this song because it was the first time we realized this bitch was out for blood. Drew was a bit of a douche, and the whole world was going to hear about it.
Best Lyric: "So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light. I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight"
^ #foreveralone and making out with a picture
8)Fifteen She legitimately tells the entire universe her ginger best friend lost her v-card to a total toolbox. What. Taylor. You just can't do that. BUT SHE DID.
Best Lyric: "And then you're on your very first date and hes got a car. And you're feeling like flying."
^ WHAT?!?!? He has a freaking car?? MARRY HIM! Drop out of high school and marry him in a Pinterest-style barn wedding immediately.
7) Sparks Fly
This is the musical version of every bad romantic comedy that gives you hope for true love with Matthew McConaughey. This song exists in an alternate universe where men drop everything they're doing to make- out with you in the rain. It is misleading, but it's an excellent song. This song is also mainly about Taylor wanting the D. It's all about how she just can't wait and needs to kiss his face immediately. I like her style.
Best Lyric: "You touch me once and it's really something You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be"
^ A causal reference to the imaginary sex she dreamed of them having for the past four months.
6) Forever and Always
This song is about Joe Jonas breaking up with her via telephone. She was not pleased. I saw her perform this song at a concert and she kicked a couch over. I am now beginning to realize she might be a Hulk-like alien brought to this Earth to take the male species down a notch.
Best Lyric: "'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone."
^ Why is it raining inside? Is the rain her tears? I think she just got lazy with this metaphor.
5) Better Than Revenge
I think this is when America realized Taylor Swift was actually batshit crazy and we were paying her millions of dollars to sing about stuff she should be talking over with a therapist. Apparently Camilla Belle stole Taylor's boyfriend, killed her whole family, and lit her dog on fire, because this song is just ruthless. In all fairness, she did take him faster than you could say sabotage. This song is so bad it's good. It was emotionally torturous for me to pick a favorite line because they are all so beautifully hateful. (She straight- up calls her a giant slut in that mattress lyric) And any song where there are a few lines of just straight talking, you know shit is about to get Tayloriffic.
Best Lyric: "Sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know. Or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go. Oh, they didn't teach you that in prep school, so it's up to me. But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity"
^What does this even mean? It's awesome because it literally makes no sense. Why vintage dresses? Also, my borderline schizophrenic high school Latin teacher once put this on the board for the quote of the day. He had no good explanation except that Taylor Swift " was a prophet who understood Roman morals".
In all seriousness, I think this is Taylor's most honest and just totally accurate song. At some point in her life, every female just gets totally fed up with the "I'm sorry"s. If you are so sorry, why did you act like such an asshat in the first place? Don't put your private parts in places they're s not supposed to be, it's not rocket science. You will get broken up with, and your ex-girlfriend will belt this song in her Honda Civic for the next 3 weeks until she gets over you and starts dating a soccer player.
Best Lyric: "You should've said, "No!" You should've gone home"
^ Seriously, just call your mom/ a cab/ or wait 18 hours for a SafeRide. If would've just gone home, you could still be dating this emotionally unstable blonde Amazon woman who has named all your children already.
3) Mean Sometimes I get the feeling that's me against the world, when in actuality "the world" doesn't really care about how much 30 Rock I'm watching or how bad I am at karaoke. This is the ultimate anthem for kids who were weird in high school. Therefore this song is the anthem of everyone at Northwestern. It's a nice way to lyrically flip off the kid from high school who played football and never invited you to his cool lake house parties. You're going to be an investment banker with a hot spouse, and that kid is now either attending community college or working for his dad's landscaping company.
Best Lyric: "I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road."
^ See song number 5 on this list. This is when we all realized Taylor was just full of shit. She probably never even dated John Mayer.
2) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together Like Ever. This song is an anthem for all annoying high school relationships where you break- up everyday during 6th period. It's an anthem for the one girl whose friends all secretly hate her because she never shuts up about her horrible relationship. Nobody wants to listen to how he broke up with you on Facebook chat during lunch. I'm just tryna eat my giant cookie and talk about my homecoming dress.
Best Lyric: " Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you. And i'm like, i'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know. We are never getting back together, like ever."
^ She just straight up talks this. Not even an attempt at singing this. Perfection.
1) You Belong With Me
If you can listen to this song without pumping your fist in the air and singing into a hairbrush, you're probably a terrorist. This song is for every girl who liked a guy in high school but he was dating some girl who sucked. This sucky girl was really skinny, wore NARS Laguna bronzer, and was probably on homecoming court. So basically this song is for every lonely girl in America who ever lived. This song is also about being in trapped in the 5th circle of hell, the friendzone.This song could also be titled "Why Won't You Love Me? ".
Also, have you seen the music video for this song??? She plays both herself and the evil brunette girlfriend. She literally just wears glasses to look nerdy, and simply takes them off to become beautiful at prom. It's like ABC Family had a lovechild with a Disney Channel Original Movie. The video, and her brunette wig, are flawless.
Best Lyric: "But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers."
^ It's American high school stereotypes summed up in a song. Because everyone who was cheerleader in high school dresses provocatively, drives a convertible, and is a giant bitch. The cheer captain will be dating the star football player. She will probably secretly be cheating on him. The star football player actually belongs with the nerdy cute girl. Also, one or more of these characters may be a sexy teenage vampire.
No comments:
Post a Comment