I hate funerals/ wakes. They suck and are held at creepy places that smell like wax. I want my funeral to be like the Irish funeral depicted in the classic film "P.S. I Love You". But not at a pub, at a trendy bar with ceiling drapery and white leather couches that are low to the ground. And instead of shots of whiskey, my 12 closest loved ones will have to down a hot pink Cosmo before they can say what they love about me and flip the glass over on top of my little sparkly box. (My remains will be in a small, antique-y looking box covered in large rhinestones)
I don't want everyone wearing black, because then it looks like a goddamn episode of "The Addams Family". It can be a classy mix of black and white, so it looks like Diddy planned it. ( Be strict about this, nothing ruins a black and white party like some asshole trying to great creative with pink accents. It's tacky).
After my friends do the Cosmo Irish funeral thing, there will be one official eulogy. This could be designated to my loving astronaut/ investment banker husband. However, if he is too distraught to speak or does not exist, my cousin Kathen can do it.
No reading of anything unless I wrote it. No poems by Emily Dickinson or Bible verses. This is a celebration of me, and therefore everyone needs to celebrate my magic way with the written word. An option for this is someone performing a dramatic reading of my most profound tweets.
"If you're taking flash photography of your baby on a 9 am train , I probably hate you." -August 2012
"I want my life to be like the post- war Harry Potter years, all of the magic and none of the fear."- June 2012
"I'm so glad ugly people can find each other and be happy."- October 2011
"If I had to be buried alive, I would be buried alive in Easy Mac because I'm confident I could eat my way out."- September 2011
Nothing religious, unless my grandma is still alive. In which case this whole thing is irrelevant, and I will be buried like the 18th century Roman Catholic saint she always wanted me to be.
I want upbeat pop music to be playing so everyone will remember how fun I was. There should also be an open bar, because the best way to deal with sorrow is alcohol and Rihanna jams.
There should be food. I hate going to something and there not being food. If I am going to make people turn off a great episode of "The Mentalist" and put on pants that aren't of the yoga variety, there will at least be some mini corndogs offered. There probably should be a cupcake tower too.
Also, there should be a photo slideshow of pictures of me where I looked my hottest/ most fun. However, no bathing suit pics because I am not a trashy trailer park tween on MySpace. In between the pictures of me, the slideshow should include of the clips from all the Harry Potter films where there is apparent sexual tension between Ron and Harry. (Anyone who knows me , knows I enjoy nothing more than pointing out those erotic moments during a 12 hour HP marathon).
(This picture could definitely be used. I look sad and pouty because I'm dead and can't drink vodka with my friends. Also, it showcases me in my natural state of never wearing pants)
Ex- boyfriends are most definitely allowed at my funeral, if only so they can see the pictures of me at my hottest. They can slowly weep over how they wasted their chance with me, and missed their once shot at true happiness because I am awesome. As Mindy Kaling wisely decided, no current girlfriends of these ex- boyfriends are allowed. They will, in fact, only use my untimely passing to look hot and bitchy in a black dress.
Finally, once the funeral-ish part is over, a raging party should be begin. If my friends and family don't celebrate my life by getting intoxicated and drunk dancing to the Spice Girls, you are all doing my memory a great disservice.
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