10 Things I Learned from The Bachelorette Finale: Part II and ATFR

10. Hy and Nick got along so swimmingly because they both enjoy shooting people with antique hunting rifles and avoiding prosecution.

Hy: Why are you so nervous??

Because you're obviously hiding a semi-automatic rifle under your sweaty manboob, Hy. Luckily, Nick is concealing a machete under his Henley for when she slices up Andi in order to wear her skin as a suit.

^ "'I will shoot you in the face if ya'll call my daughter a slut on national TV"

9.  Brooks and Drew were sitting together in the studio audience, which means they are 100% engaged. Brooks even tweeted a picture of the back of Drew's head during the show (see below). This wedding is about to be fabulous with a capital "F", y'all. 

^ "Cause allllll of me, loves alll of Drew"

8. Don't do like six rails of uncut Dominican cocaine and then go meet your girlfriend's parents. Josh was sweating like a whore in church, and his left eye kept uncontrollably twitching. I don't know much blow he did before this, but he was so hopped up he couldn't follow conversation. 

Hy: I think this is a camp romance, also what exactly is your job? 
Josh: Andi is a dimepiece, great job making her. Your sperm did big things. 
Hy: This entire show is bullshit. Someone give me my fruit basket and get this jumpy bastard away from me.
Josh: I got that forever kind of love feel.

7.  In the Georgia, you can just decide that someone is your property.  Josh said he was going to "make Andi his wife" like 60 times.  How about "ask for her hand in marriage?" Or "ask her to be your wife?" During the proposal, I was half expecting Josh to throw Andi over his shoulder, bang on his chest like Donkey Kong, and jump into the ocean.  At one point Josh looks right at the camera and basically yells, ANDI IS MY WIFE. WE ARE MARRIED. Not to mention  he  the producers made her a baseball card where her name is Murray. Guess we're not discussing the possibility of hyphenation.

^"Andi you pretty. Andi you mine. Andi you Murray now."- Tarzan, Lord of the Apes

6. If you want to make someone less sexually attracted to you in a matter of seconds, wear an outfit that is all the same color. Preferably a shade of blue that can only be purchased at your neighborhood Foot Locker.

^"His balls are blue, da ba dee da ba die"

5. I'm not the only one who noticed Andi has been looking a little less toned.

Andi: What's a day like in Chicago? 
Nick: Well we go buy you some goddamn salad, and then we work out together  I leash you to the treadmill in our basement, and watch you run like a defenseless hamster on a wheel.

I don't blame Andi for gaining 2 and a half pounds, by the way. White wine is mad caloric and the producer's have just been pouring Chardonnay into a dog's water bowl for her during meal times. That, coupled with the fact she's has to be on a steady IV drip of Pinot to get through a date with Nick, is bad news bears for anyone's lovehandles. 


4. The wardrobe team could not find a f*ck to give at this point.  Not a single one.   
Andi's dress on season premiere = something Halle Berry would wear to the Oscars.
Andi's dress for the proposal = something Kirstie Alley might wear on a beach vacation. I could literally walk out the door right now and go purchase that shit at Cache.

^ABC  funneled all of its money into Grumpy Cat . Budget cuts had to be made.

3. Not only does Chris Harrison host this show, he is responsible for sound stage security, the studio's messenger service, and controlling blacked out middle-aged women in the studio audience-- he slipped up when that Russian hooker crawled onstage during Men Tell All.

Seriously, Nick rolls up to Men Tell All and the only person he has to go through is C Hazy? What happened to the sassy "nobody brings me flowers" security guard from the premiere?? (Probably already starring in a spinoff series- Guardian of Love, Tuesdays 10 p.m. on Bravo!)

Like we couldn't get an intern to deliver Andi that cheap ass piece of loose leaf? Daddy has better things to do.

^"I have to go clean Grumpy Cat's litter box after this"

2. Do not sleep with a Chicago-based baseball tee enthusiast, and then not marry him afterwards. He will call you "cavalier" with your vagina on national television. That's not how they play ball in Waukesha-- you bone it, you own it sister. 

^"Deep Vs til I die, motherf*ckers. Waukesha out"

1. C Hazy is a lying bastard.  Tell us who the next Bachelor is, you over-tanned weasel.