So this summer I joined a gym. It's a really nice gym with a pool , a yoga studio, and scented towels. It's around the corner from Sprinkles Cupcakes, but that's neither here nor there. And after these few months of pumping iron, I probably could now be considered a fitness guru.
I'm just so sick of people stopping me on on the street and asking about my body. They always ask me, " What's your secret ?" or "How ever do you maintain that Kate Hudson circa 1980 physique?!"
And I tell them the truth, it's not easy. I follow a strict diet of Greek yogurt and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, plus I have my own patented work out plan. But I've decided to share my tried and true fitness secrets with the masses, so you too can obtain abs of steel.
1. Go on an elliptical and listen to your iPod. Put "Danza Kuduro" on repeat until you forget there are other people in the gym and start doing weird little dancing hand motions. You could also start singing in fake Spanish aloud. This will cause everyone around to leave, and you can now turn the TV closest to you to the Bravo reality show of your choice.
2. On the way into the gym, stop in the gym's apparel store. Buy a bunch of cute yoga outfits and tell yourself you are going to start taking yoga. Never attend yoga, but wear the comfortable clothes all over town. This way people don't assume you're too lazy for real pants, but that you simply came right from an intense yoga class.
3. Go into the gym's stretching area. Instead of using the mirrored walls to examine your squat technique, use this opportunity to fix your hair. That messy bun could use a few more bobby pins, you sexy fitness queen.
4. Get on a treadmill and walk on the slowest speed setting possible. This is necessary, because if you start going too fast you could miss important plot developments of a "Gallery Girls" rerun.
5. As you are perfecting your barely moving treadmill walk, an extremely fit brunette might get on the treadmill next you. She will start showing off and running. At this point, you need to race her to prove your superiority. Crank up your settings to match hers and refuse to get off until she does.
6. This race will probably cause you to tear your ACL or something equally as dramatic , you must now skip the gym for the rest of the week.
7. Start attending early morning workout classes to start your day off right. However if you wake up too late to get Starbucks on the way, skip the class altogether. Now feel free to sleep until noon and watch Dr. Dolittle on Netflix
8. Get hit on by the creepy gym janitor, feel great about yourself, immediately leave the gym , and reward yourself with a muffin on the way home.
9. A great way to end a workout is with a nice, refreshing steam. Go sit in the steam room for a bit. Then be freaked out by naked people and an intense fear of being locked in Final Destination style. Leave quickly.
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