And other things that make you wish Zuckerberg didn't get into Harvard. Facebook is a great invention for people for that have awesome lives, attend awesome concerts, buy awesome clothes, and have awesome families who take edgy portraits on vintage couches. This is because you (beautiful people) get to post cool things and accentuate just how swimmingly your existence is going.
However, if you're like me (and by that I mean if you eat fro-yo alone in athletic shorts and a bra while watching Arrested Development) Facebook is a constant reminder of how you are still a giant toddler whose life progresses in no way, and that you will never be cool enough to attend those concerts where people only wear bedazzled bras and suck on pacifiers. ( Are those soaked in drugs I don't understand? Or is it just a style thing? These are the questions that plague me)
At any given time when my life sucks, I am just a click away from being reminded about how well everyone I've ever encountered is doing. I am also a click away from countless tagged pictures of me where I look like one of the morbidly obese doll collectors on My Strange Addiction. If Facebook could talk to me, this is what he would say.
FB: Hey it's Facebook! You're taking finals right now , right ?
Me: Yeah, Facebook. It's just really not a stellar week for me, Glee ended on a bad note, my new jean shorts fit my crotch weird, and my forehead looks larger than usual.
FB: Aw that sucks best friend! But guess what I can show you?! Remember you're long term ex- boyfriend? He's Facebook official with a new girl! Let's look at every picture she's ever taken!
Me: Idk , that sounds unhealthy. She looks like a gym type and has skinny arms, this seems like a dangerous journey to embark on.
FB: What else are you going to do? The mounds of work you have? Please. You're not going to paint your nails because you suck at it. We both now where this is heading, so pony up and get your stalk on.
*Two hours of high school graduation photos, couple Instagram photos with adorable captions, and playing the Phil Collins/ Tarzan classic "You'll Be in My Heart" on repeat later*
Facebook has now abandoned me in dark, terrifying place. My dumb ass is now telling Siri to remind me every day for the rest of my life to never sit down in shorts, because it makes my thighs look bigger than they actually are.
I have no solution to this problem. Zuckerberg is sitting pretty in a nerd castle somewhere laughing heartily. He knows people will never stop wanting to know how much their ex- boyfriend sucks now, and if the slut from your high school is actually working at Denny's.
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