Freaks of the Mag Mile

My family has had an apartment in downtown Chicago for my entire life, and I'm living up in Chicago all summer for work.  I would not consider myself touristy in any way shape or form. Therefore, I tend to avoid a certain Chicago tourist hellhole like it is the Bubonic plague. Not to mention in the summer, the only season where it is socially acceptable to vacation in Chicago. This land of awkward posed photos is known as Michigan Avenue aka the Magnificent Mile. I mean the shopping is great, but I consistently fail to see what is so magnificent about hoards of obese people taking pictures of their toenails in front of a Walgreens.

However, the gym I joined while living in the city is located on Michigan, and taking an other street is a ridiculous waste of my time. So needless to say, on my daily walk to the gym I am greeted to all the confused tourists/ homegrown freaks the Windy City has to offer. I got the great idea (when I was trying to avoid working out) to take pictures of some of these gems. Please note these pictures were all taken in a two day period, this is not a compilation of a month of weirdos. They're out there everyday people .



Little Betches with Dolls 
I could make another blog entirely out of this category, because Chicago is the undisputed home of the mini betch carrying a $150 American Girl Doll everywhere she goes. Restaurants, the bathroom, the beach, they must be carried along like creepy, plastic babies. I'm pretty confident Europeans come to Chicago and think this is a crazy, Stepford Wives, city where we believe dolls are alive and need constant attention.

This girl sat clutching her plastic best friend in front of Water Tower for like 30 minutes, no parents in sight and looking serious as hell. I don't know if there was a Mulan/ "Reflection" like musical number happening inside her head, or if she was contemplating drowning herself Hamlet- style because her mom refused to buy her the Victorian era doll accessories.

I don't know what I like more about this, the casual naked doll or the mom's jumpsuit. I also like that this isn't an American Girl. I hope this girl never conforms to the mainstream, I hope she grows up to wear jumpsuits and continues to stick it to the proverbial man.

Old Dudes Relaxing in Front of Ralph Lauren
Ralph Lauren is arguably on one of the busiest street corners on Michigan, or as men over 50 see it, a casual place to just do them.

Perfect time to read a magazine in a back brace on a small fence. So serene.

Leaning on Ralph Lauren, drinking a strawberry milkshake, haters gonna hate.



Overly Creative Vagrants 
Michigan Avenue is the home to the best pan handlers the city has to offer. I don't know if it's the stiff competition or they just like to step it up, but these hobos really put their heart into it.

This guy. His sign said that he needed money for breast implants. I still can't decide if this guy is really homeless or just like a witty, dirty hipster.

This guy stopped begging to answer what I'm going to assume is a business call. He is also wearing a kilt. Maybe he is an impotent Scottish doctor like Trey MacDougal on Sex in the City.



Touristy Tourists 

Snapped this as his wife was trying to figure out how to operate a camera (top right, big button, it's been like that since the 50s). This is definitely cover photo material bro.

Tourists holding up Michigan Avenue traffic to ask a cab driver where Michigan Avenue is.

Tourists love this guy. He's by Water Tower like everyday and a line literally forms to snap photos with him. What the what? Chicago isn't even the home of Hershey's , or have the biggest store? And he looks like a robot teardrop.

C'mon Guys
Chicagoans who look stupid. 

I walked behind this guy for like six blocks. He never once set down this dog. His mustache continued to look just as awesome throughout the experience.

Cops who roam around Water Tower. Everyone can rest easy knowing we are safe from the expected cavalry attack by the Redcoats.

They only two people I saw leave Tiffany's all day. I have no idea where they are headed at 3:30 pm, but apparently it is black tie.