I'm sorry America, and excuse my language, but I am sick of this shit. Not only do I have to pretend your sticky- mouthed flesh sacks are adorable, but I'm expected to refer to them as Tracker Jacker and New Moon. Keep in mind new hipster parents, you are naming a person, not a Neopet. You cannot name your baby MistyCloud696969 and then ignore until it dies of starvation because you wasted all your money on the Rainbow Paintbrush. Actually, that's probably happened already somewhere in the South and child services is none the wiser.
The point I'm making is , is just because you do interpretive paintings of Beatles' songs and call that a profession does not mean your son won't want to be an investment banker. Odds are he will grow up, think you're batshit crazy, and curse you everyday of his life for naming him Corduroy.
A few rules you can quickly pull up on your iPhone (or if you write NU security alerts, smartphone) after finishing labor :
Boys
Congrats! You had a boy, now calm the hell down and control your crazy mother hormones. This is the easier naming of the situation of the two, but for some reason people still name babies Toby.
- Whatever you name your son, make sure it can be shortened to a short, declarative, adult, boardroom name. Jackson can be Jack, Benjamin is Ben, you get it. Or just sack up and name him something manly in the first place, James, Henry, Nate, Luke, Patrick, Adam. These are names for humans.
-DO not name a son a dog's name. Just because they both like to get dirty and play with themselves does not mean boys and dogs are the same thing (shocker, I know). Cooper, Max, Archer, Jasper, Ryder, Hunter should all be inscribed on collars, not on college degrees.
- The letter "X" should be nowhere in your son's name. Also, stop ending boy's names with "C". It's Zack, not Zac. It doesn't make him different or beautiful in his own way, it just looks like you can't spell.
-No inanimate objects, clothing materials, or brand names. If you're name is Levi, River, or Khaki, come find me and I'll buy you lunch. You honestly just deserve it for making it this far.
- No Toby, No Hugo. Just stop it already freaks.
- This is going to sound disturbing, but a good rule of thumb is this: Would you sleep with him? I know it's often hard to imagine taking your newborn infant home from a bar and getting weird, but do you want him to die alone watching Fraiser ? Go back in time and imagine you're in a club rocking out to Pat Bentar (Whitney Houston, 98 Degrees ? I have no idea what era new moms are from) and some attractive man approaches you named " ", do you instantly decide he kills young girls in fields? Or is he worthwhile?
Girls
Congrats! You now have another being that will grow to be just as crazy and emotionally unstable as you. Just wait until the first time she doesn't have a homecoming date. Shit will hit the fan, maybe even literally.
- STOP NAMING YOUR DAUGHTERS ISABELLA AND THEN CALLING THEM BELLA BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO HAVE SEX WITH VAMPIRES.
-Stop using the virtues, Faith , Hope, Chastity, etc. You're honestly just asking for it here. Name your daughter Chastity and you just insured she is having sex in the back of a Pathfinder during Shorewood Fest by the tender age of 16.
- Stop with the unnecessary "Y". Everyone sounds dumb saying the letter "Y", it's like when slutty girls talk like everything is a question. Haley does not need to be spelled Hayleyyy. Also, it is not a requirement for all girls names to end in "Y". Kelly ,Jenny , Haley, Bailey, Lily, Kaley,Ally, are just a few names that remind me of an over- eager 14-year-old member of the babysitters club when I look at you.
- Also, stop with the flowers. It's stupid. Why is everyone's middle name Rose? Do you push a baby out of your ladyparts and all middle name creativity goes out the window?
-All classy names end in "A", it's a solid standby if you just want to give this kid a name already. (Let's face it , she'll change it eventually when she either becomes a stripper or gets married) Julia, Rebecca, Laura, Cecila, and of course , Emma. These all can make even a trailer park beauty queen seem fancy (worked for me)
I feel like I've given you all a lot of guidelines that no one will follow because you're all hippies. So please, just give me a call immediately after you give birth and I will talk you off the proverbial Toby ledge .
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