Her name is Kathen and she is four years old. She is also the definition of a betch. I am 64% percent sure she secretly writes betcheslovethis.com when her family is sleeping. Her hair always looks like she just woke from a night of binge drinking, and she will most likely bite you the first time she meets you. She talks with a weird accent because she hasn't been talking for that long. Doctors and her parents were worried something was wrong with her, because by two she still wasn't speaking. Turns out she was fine, she just didn't feel like conforming. She made up her own language and made adults bend to her will by learning it. Socks were "gagas" and I was "uckies." We clearly had a special relationship since day one. Until she was about three, every time I would try to pick her up she would say " Coco poopy", and smack me directly across the face.
She loves anything, pink, Hello Kitty, sparkly, or involving princesses. Her favorite games are "Put Whore Eyeshadow All Over Emma's Face" or "Make Emma Paint My Nails Like a Degraded Servant." She loves to dance, and if anyone within a 10 foot radius of her says the word "Hey" , she will finish the chorus of "Call Me Maybe" at a volume Carly Rae herself can hear all the way in Canada. At her last birthday party, she bitch-slapped her little friend and then pushed her out of the bouncy house, because she also showed up wearing a pink tutu. She's like those girls from Toddlers and Tiaras, if one of those girls shared DNA with Tyra Banks and a drugged Paula Abdul, and also did a lot of speed. Clearly, she is my favorite cousin.
I will admit I take some of the blame of her Paris Hilton circa 2006 personality. I have taught her thousands of bad habits, and instilled in her my hate of everything. Whenever she is asked to do a chore she responds, " Sorryyy, baiiii" and throws up the peace sign. I, however, will not take any responsibility for her releasing a sex tape at 17.
Things Kathen has said to me unprovoked:
"You hair looks all frizzy and if you don't goes and fix it, boys will go and spit on you."
"Why did you dress like an ucky boy? You look weird, and I don't like it at all. Girls will think you're a gross boy." (I was wearing a hoodie)
"Katy Perry is my best friend ever, but Katy Perry wouldn't like you. Not a bit"
"I hope my 'Merican Girl isn't fat. That would be bad."
"You are pretty, but you would have more friends if you wore eyeshadow"
"I want a salad for dinner. And if you put carrots in it, you are poopy and I will jump off this counter and die."
"I will bite your eye out of your face if you don't wake up."
At a recent family party, she had one of her classic Kardashian- style, drunk on reality t.v. , meltdowns. Her father decided it was a swell idea to release her family's pet turtle, "Tito" into the wild and let the kids watch. The minute Tito hit the road, Kathen erupted into tears. She screamed "TIIIITTTOOOOOOOO" over and over again, like she had just lost her transgender stepchild in a Lifetime movie. When her mom came over to console , she screeched at her mother to "Get away and shush her mommy mouth."
^a picture taken soon after Tito's release
Three Rice Krispies Treats later, Kathen's heart was healed. She then overheard my brother teasing me for not wanting to go ride a jet ski alone. I told her I was scared of crashing it. Her response was as follows:
" Yous is a big fraidy cat Emma! Member, big girls don't cry, big girls don't cry!"
After that inspiring Fergie quote, I brought up the inconvenient fact that she had been sobbing 20 minutes ago.
"Yous are a big girl, you are in college. I'm only four. You have to brave, I can still hit people whenever I'm sad."
Truer words have never been spoken.
LOVE this. You rock.
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