A very merry collection of Christmas quotes/ pearls of wisdom from my pre-pubecent cousins. I recorded these while fighting suicidal thoughts and playing Hello Kitty makeover.
Me: " Nice suit, you look so dapper."
Jesse: "I'm not Dasher! I'm Prancer! Prancer!"
Jesse: "A headband is a game, it's called headband."
Me: " Is this a real game?"
Jesse: "It's a real game. I mean, I'm making it up, but it's real now."
"The point of this suit is to always be prepared. To always be prepared with pretzel sticks and cool moves." - Jamie
[Regarding a Christmas Eve play that we are both being forced to do] "I'm seven and I have better things to do, aren't you like 20??? You should have, like, a real job." - Jamie
[Upon opening an iPod case before receiving an iPod] "If I don't get an iPod pretty soon, this is going to be really dumb." - Cale
"Now that I have my iPod, I'm going to get my own app. I'm going to make all my own apps so I can save my iTunes gift card money." -Cale
"This game is called 'Fat Princesses'. There's a curse in the forest and it made all the princesses fat and I, the knight, have to save them. Which doesn't make any sense, because why do I want to marry a fat princess???" -Cale
^Landon is still actively choosing not to speak, so I took a quote from his dad instead.
"He makes me never want to have sex again. This thing is the consequence of sex. Don't make the mistakes I did. Sometimes he drools in my mouth, and I want to vomit." - Uncle Chad
"The true meaning of Christmas is when Santa comes and brings me swim goggles. And when he brings Kathen nothing." -Ella
"You see the big box! Someone got Emma a boyfriend for Christmas!" -Ella
And finally...
" I didn't get coal from Santa. Santa doesn't even watches me. I got a Tinkerbell umbrella instead." -Kathen
"Mirror Mirror on Emma's wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
[Puts her ear up to my vanity mirror]
"It's me! It's me because I'm wearing a Christmas dress and you're in an ugly sweater." - Kathen
"I have two boyfriends, Grant and Brandon. But only Brandon knows I'm his girlfriend. I didn't tell Grant yet."- Kathen
Late November. For most well adjusted adults, it means happy preparations for visiting home and enjoying the holiday festivities. However for me and my brother, November invokes graphic, WWII PTSD flashbacks. I begin profusely sweating at the sight of early holiday decor, and I hyperventilate when I see the Starbucks holiday cups. This is because, for me and Luke, mid- November means only one unholy thing. We are going to have to take the Christmas card.
For all intensive purposes, my mom is a normal, benevolent human being. Besides letting me watch "Will and Grace" a little too early and doing half my brother's homework to this day, she's also a pretty good parent. But for a few days in November , this all changed.
My mom is a werewolf and the Christmas card is her full moon. For some reason, she thought the world awaited our family's card and critiqued it like the fall issue of Vogue. This woman will force me and my brother outside into near arctic conditions, bury us in a foot of fake snow, and scream at us to look filled with holiday cheer. Although this process should take a mere 20 minutes, it does not.
I popped out of the womb being extremely photogenic. If it wasn't for my complete lack of height, cleavage, or all around facial beauty, I could be a Victoria's Secret model. My brother, on the other hand, cannot smile without looking like an obese dog who just pooped on your carpet.
In the 1990s me and my brother were at our most adorable, so my sociopathic /perfectionist mother felt the need to show the world via holiday stationary. This means that, in the 90s, my mom would take about 6 rolls of film, drive to get them developed, and end up with 200 pictures of my brother looking like he had just soiled himself.
This is why every Christmas card shoot took no less than a week, and why wreaths and red sweaters now make me lose all color in my face. My mind flashes to my mother, holding a giant camera and tossing cotton balls at our faces, screaming at Luke to "show his goddamn teeth". Luke and I are sweating profusely in our vintage holiday overcoats, grasping hands and praying to an unmerciful God for salvation.
The whole time I'm trying to hold my perfect pose, so I can go play the Sims. Eventually, I punch my brother in the crotch out of frustration and run into my closet to hide from the bloodbath that will occur when my mom locates me.
The Christmas card is my personal Vietnam, Vietnam but with itchy, matching sweaters. Here is a collection of some of Cindi Tyler's finest holiday classics.* I think you'll all agree they were worth the hysteria, emotional scarring, and nose bleeds.
^ For this ridiculously staged masterpiece, we take you back to the early 1920s. A simpler time, where young boys dressed like Amelia Earhart and young girls dressed like little brown turds in berets. Who was she fooling with this one??? It is clearly October, we are clearly standing on a piece of white felt, and if you look behind the mailbox you can CLEARLY see leaves on the ground. Also, if I remember correctly, these Depression- era outfits were purchased at a flea market and smelled like newsprint and polio.
^ NONE OF THIS IS REAL SNOW. MY MOTHER PURCHASED INDUSTRIAL- SIZED PACKETS OF FAKE SNOW TO STAGE A FAKE SLEDDING ADVENTURE. Not to mention we are wearing ugliest sweaters known to man, I'm honestly surprised they even made two of them. Also, my brother looks completely constipated. He looks as if he is trying to enjoy this sledding adventure, but can't because he's currently undergoing out- patient surgery.
^ My mom had a thing for sibling photo shoots with slight undertones of incest. There is an infamous picture hanging in our hallway of me and my brother (ages 2 and 5) kissing on the lips. Why child services wasn't called at that point, I'll never know. This weirdly sexual, vintage- themed card featured me and my brother under the mistletoe. Why a brother and sister are under the mistletoe in the first place IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY. In my mother's defense this creative theme was probably just a way to keep my brother from doing his creepy, murderous clown smile. These vintage hats were also a flea market purchase, and I'm pretty confident an elderly man died in the one Luke's wearing.
^ From incest to Catholicism, the world's most secular family takes a turn for the religious. Was our camera direction to seductively pet the baby Jesus? Why is the ceramic camel so prominent in the shot? Why do I have the haircut/ the Talbots apparel of a soccer mom in the 5th grade? My mom just got lazy with this one, it's clearly mid- November and she didn't even attempt to pour Q-tip fuzz all over us. Not to mention my brother looks like the lovechild of one of the designers from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and Matt Bomer.
^ Just to prove child abuse doesn't end when the victims hit puberty, we have this fine piece of work. In a fit of artistic rage, Cindi made my poor father transport the giant wreath that decorates our garage, and hang it on bungee cords in our foyer. At this point I am in high school. I am a high school student, wearing a matching his-and-hers plaid scarf, standing inside a giant wreath.
My brother looks like he either just underwent a liver transplant or is auditioning to play Eddie on a re-boot of "The Munsters". My mom demanded she curl my hair, which gave me the look of an elderly prostitute (along with a few curling iron burns, that were allegedly accidental)
Please keep in mind, these are all winning shots. These glamorous portraits hit the presses and were sent out to the world. Nothing says Christmas like eternal Tyler family shame.
*Although ALL these pictures suggest COMPLETELY otherwise, my brother is a masculine, heterosexual young gent.
I just got all my midterm grades back and, surprisingly , I did pretty well. I know that was not the case for all you NU nerdlets, so I thought I would post my studying process so you can learn from my success. Did I mention how awesome I am?
My first midterm was Stats. Me taking a stats midterm is literally the equivalent of a sitcom character doing the gag where they try to be two places at once (This happened a lot in Hannah Montana). I have faked my way through approximately 8 years of math. Once we hit long division, I realized that this shit was not my style. I also stopped taking math at Algebra II, the pope has actually declared it a religious miracle that I graduated high school/got into Northwestern/can function in society without acting like Forrest Gump.
As someone who still adds on their fingers, this stats midterm terrified me. I got my enginerd cheerleader friend to tutor me, I studied in the middle of my house in a lax pinnie and no bra until my eyes bled, and I eventually began thinking of ways to make a human centipede Halloween costume. I stayed up all night and paced in my bathroom for 20 minutes loudly singing "When Will My Life Begin" from the award- winning "Tangled" soundtrack.
I then went into the midterm and produced the mathematical equivalent of projectile vomiting on the test and handing that masterpiece in.
I then indulged in a sleep- deprived mental breakdown. I wandered around downtown Evanston for 30 minutes while crying Kim Kardashian style on the phone to my mom. Just picture a crying girl in a tear-stained, over-sized fraternity sweatshirt yelling about her deceased grandfather being disappointed in her because she doesn't understand regression lines and wandering through your local Starbucks.
I then went home, dropped the class, and fell asleep holding a bagel.
For the rest of my midterms, I really needed to buckle down. I went to the library and applied some of those "study skills" that St. Paul the Apostle tried desperately to teach me when all I wanted to do was be 10 and play M.A.S.H.
I set up shop in a cubicle in the ultimate pit of human suffering that is Main Library. I opened my Spanish books and got out my computer to listen to translations. After about half an hour, I had two tabs opened on my computer, a YouTube video titled "Top 25 Most Romantic Disney Moments" and an article called "Best Cat Memes of 2012".
I then ate a granola bar to stay focused. And by stay focused, I mean staying alert while I searched the Internet for photos of Paul Ryan shirtless and insider info on the new Star Wars film.
I had both my soc midterm and Spanish midterm on the same day. You would think the day of these two important exams I would really get in the proverbial zone. I instead watched videos of Boo the Dog wiggling his ears and nibbled on hummus until it was time to take the exams.
My Russian Lit midterm was the next day. Unfortunately, this was the day before Halloween. So clearly, I sat in the library watching Glee Rocky Horror on my laptop and thinking about all the pumpkin flavored things I would eat the next day.
If Sparknotes did not exist, I would currently be the world's sassiest T.J. Maxx employee.
I went back to my room, where I put on a dramatic play to the unwilling audience of my two roommates. This critically acclaimed one woman show was entitled, "I Think I'm Going to Fail Russian Lit Even Though I Won't , I Just Really Want Pumpkin Bread and Need to Be Dramatic About Everything."
After this freakout, I managed to squeeze in some last minute studying. And by studying, I mean I made extensive dinner reservations for my family's Disney World spring break trip. This proved more difficult than expected, as the restaurants needed to suitable for Kathen. It is nearly impossible to find a restaurant covered in glitter that also doesn't allow fat people inside.
I woke up the next morning, took the test, and did fine. I then inhaled a pumpkin spice latte and a slice of pumpkin bread.
There are two main points you should gain from post: 1) There's no way I should've been accepted to Northwestern. 2) I should probably hire a life coach/ become heavily medicated.
You probably know exactly what I'm referencing in this post title, because anyone with a female reproductive system is born knowing every single angsty lyric to all Taylor Swift songs.
I'm not hating on Taylor, I can't even pretend. On my list of guilty pleasures, her sing-talking, men-hating, country- pop is #1. I have a theory that every girl secretly likes Taylor Swift. You can hate everything about her, but your high school self can't help but identify with unrequited chemistry class love.
Every girl has a tiny voice in her head that is a vindictive sociopath who kills all 6 of her cheating husbands. In everyday life, we push that voice into the recesses of our women brains and try to act like normal, chill human beings who won't text you 235 times in one day and make you our cover photo after 2 dates.
Taylor Swift is that voice in our heads. Taylor thinks its okay to plan a honeymoon with someone you've never met, and it's totally chill to light a guy's dog on fire if he doesn't call you back. She's every girl's secret release for their inner murderer.
In honor of her new album I'm counting down the worst of the best, the lyrics so bad they're good. And I'm doing it all for the queen of unhealthy obsession and 2 week relationships, T. Swizzle.
10) Picture to Burn
Do you ever have acid -induced fever dreams about destroying an ex-boyfriend's house? Are you flirting with a restraining order? Do you like the thrill of getting arrested for breaking and entering, but also enjoy a good rhinestone guitar? Then this song is for you. Tay lets loose on some sexist NASCAR enthusiast who wouldn't let her drive his redneck truck, and made an awesome trespassing themed music video.
Best Lyric: "So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy. That's fine I'll tell mine that you're gay."
^ Single best line in any of her songs, because what girl doesn't tell her friends the asshole they dated is a closeted homosexual?
9) Teardrops on my Guitar
Anyone with a female reproductive system loves this goddamn song. Every girl has been secretly obsessed with some man who looks like a Disney prince and has been friend-zoned hardcore. I am the undisputed queen of the friend-zone. I live in Friend-zone, USA and pay a pretty high property tax. (Just because I like football doesn't mean I don't also like making out with your face). I love this song because it was the first time we realized this bitch was out for blood. Drew was a bit of a douche, and the whole world was going to hear about it.
Best Lyric: "So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light. I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight" ^ #foreveralone and making out with a picture 8)Fifteen
She legitimately tells the entire universe her ginger best friend lost her v-card to a total toolbox. What. Taylor. You just can't do that. BUT SHE DID.
Best Lyric: "And then you're on your very first date and hes got a car. And you're feeling like flying."
^ WHAT?!?!? He has a freaking car?? MARRY HIM! Drop out of high school and marry him in a Pinterest-style barn wedding immediately. 7) Sparks Fly
This is the musical version of every bad romantic comedy that gives you hope for true love with Matthew McConaughey. This song exists in an alternate universe where men drop everything they're doing to make- out with you in the rain. It is misleading, but it's an excellent song. This song is also mainly about Taylor wanting the D. It's all about how she just can't wait and needs to kiss his face immediately. I like her style.
Best Lyric: "You touch me once and it's really somethingYou find I'm even better than you imagined I would be" ^ A causal reference to the imaginary sex she dreamed of them having for the past four months. 6) Forever and Always
This song is about Joe Jonas breaking up with her via telephone. She was not pleased. I saw her perform this song at a concert and she kicked a couch over. I am now beginning to realize she might be a Hulk-like alien brought to this Earth to take the male species down a notch.
Best Lyric: "'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrongIt rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone."
^ Why is it raining inside? Is the rain her tears? I think she just got lazy with this metaphor. 5) Better Than Revenge
I think this is when America realized Taylor Swift was actually batshit crazy and we were paying her millions of dollars to sing about stuff she should be talking over with a therapist. Apparently Camilla Belle stole Taylor's boyfriend, killed her whole family, and lit her dog on fire, because this song is just ruthless. In all fairness, she did take him faster than you could say sabotage. This song is so bad it's good. It was emotionally torturous for me to pick a favorite line because they are all so beautifully hateful. (She straight- up calls her a giant slut in that mattress lyric) And any song where there are a few lines of just straight talking, you know shit is about to get Tayloriffic.
Best Lyric: "Sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know.Or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go.
Oh, they didn't teach you that in prep school, so it's up to me.But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity" ^What does this even mean? It's awesome because it literally makes no sense. Why vintage dresses? Also, my borderline schizophrenic high school Latin teacher once put this on the board for the quote of the day. He had no good explanation except that Taylor Swift " was a prophet who understood Roman morals".
4) Should've Said No
In all seriousness, I think this is Taylor's most honest and just totally accurate song. At some point in her life, every female just gets totally fed up with the "I'm sorry"s. If you are so sorry, why did you act like such an asshat in the first place? Don't put your private parts in places they're s not supposed to be, it's not rocket science. You will get broken up with, and your ex-girlfriend will belt this song in her Honda Civic for the next 3 weeks until she gets over you and starts dating a soccer player.
Best Lyric: "You should've said, "No!" You should've gone home"
^ Seriously, just call your mom/ a cab/ or wait 18 hours for a SafeRide. If would've just gone home, you could still be dating this emotionally unstable blonde Amazon woman who has named all your children already. 3) Mean
Sometimes I get the feelingthat's me against the world, when in actuality "the world" doesn't really care about how much 30 Rock I'm watching or how bad I am at karaoke. This is the ultimate anthem for kids who were weird in high school. Therefore this song is the anthem of everyone at Northwestern. It's a nice way to lyrically flip off the kid from high school who played football and never invited you to his cool lake house parties. You're going to be an investment banker with a hot spouse, and that kid is now either attending community college or working for his dad's landscaping company.
Best Lyric: "I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you coldBut the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road." ^ See song number 5 on this list. This is when we all realized Taylor was just full of shit. She probably never even dated John Mayer.
2) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
Like Ever. This song is an anthem for all annoying high school relationships where you break- up everyday during 6th period. It's an anthem for the one girl whose friends all secretly hate her because she never shuts up about her horrible relationship. Nobody wants to listen to how he broke up with you on Facebook chat during lunch. I'm just tryna eat my giant cookie and talk about my homecoming dress.
Best Lyric: " Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you. And i'm like, i'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know. We are never getting back together, like ever."
^ She just straight up talks this. Not even an attempt at singing this. Perfection. 1) You Belong With Me
If you can listen to this song without pumping your fist in the air and singing into a hairbrush, you're probably a terrorist. This song is for every girl who liked a guy in high school but he was dating some girl who sucked. This sucky girl was really skinny, wore NARS Laguna bronzer, and was probably on homecoming court. So basically this song is for every lonely girl in America who ever lived. This song is also about being in trapped in the 5th circle of hell, the friendzone.This song could also be titled "Why Won't You Love Me? ".
Also, have you seen the music video for this song??? She plays both herself and the evil brunette girlfriend. She literally just wears glasses to look nerdy, and simply takes them off to become beautiful at prom. It's like ABC Family had a lovechild with a Disney Channel Original Movie. The video, and her brunette wig, are flawless.
Best Lyric: "But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers."
^ It's American high school stereotypes summed up in a song. Because everyone who was cheerleader in high school dresses provocatively, drives a convertible, and is a giant bitch. The cheer captain will be dating the star football player. She will probably secretly be cheating on him. The star football player actually belongs with the nerdy cute girl. Also, one or more of these characters may be a sexy teenage vampire.
I use this blog to inform people about issues dear to my heart and important to this great nation. Watch this video that has nothing to do with America and everything to do with kittens.
Recently my best from high school turned 20. Right around the same time, my Artist Barbie roommate turned 21. I , of course, took these two events and made them all about me with a casual mental breakdown.
Twenty. Twenty-one. My friends are getting old. I am getting old. I will turn 20 this year. I literally don't own a pair of matching socks. I sleep exclusively in Star Wars pajamas. I'm screwed.
When I was 8 and walked around family parties rocking butterfly clips and jelly shoes, I was often introduced to older people. I still remember meeting certain people and learning their ages. If my mom told me someone was 20, I considered them an adult. They had serious relationships, body hair, and knew what the hell a 401K was.
That will be me in March. Will my family suddenly start expecting to bring someone home for Christmas? Will I need to learn how to actually write a check without calling my mom? If the answer to either of these questions is "yes", I'm about to be the worst adult ever.
Will I feel any different? Will I have to live by a new set of rules? Is going out on a Monday unacceptable when you actually turn 21?
All though these questions are a true mystery for me, I can pretty much guarantee I can not do certain things once I enter my 20s.
20. I can no longer tell my mother ," Shut up, Phineas and Ferb is on"
19. I can no longer walk around my hometown in my high school cheerleading t-shirts and Ugg boots without a stitch of makeup.
18. I probably should stop describing myself as being "knee deep in a bottle of Skol".
17. I will need to learn how to operate a stove without destroying myself and everything I love.
16. I can no longer cancel all my plans because of a Rizzoli and Isles marathon.
15. I can no longer describe the aforementioned Rizzoli and Isles marathon as " my best day of 2012"
14. I should stop getting rides to places/events by promising to make- out with the driver.
13. I really need to learn how to successfully deal with emotions, in ways that aren't watching "Tangled" alone and fighting back tears.
12. I need to stop caring so much about my high school's homecoming court. That is irrelevant to normal adults.
11. I need to stop telling people I've been to Disney World over 15 times.
10. I need to stop begging my parents to take me to Disney World.
9. I should learn how to use an ATM without experiencing a very small (but oh so real) panic attack.
8. I should figure out how health insurance works. Do I have it?
7. My birthday can no longer be a week long festival. It is a singular day.
6. I should stop making lists and/or charts to determine the perfect Halloween costume.
5. My latest Google searches can no longer include "giant tiara store" or "Phantom of the Megaplex"
4. I need to learn other ways to deal with speeding tickets besides crying/ telling the cop my boyfriend's dad is the state's attorney.
3. I should buy a thermometer without a cow on it that doesn't moo when it reads your temperature.
2. I need to stop getting so excited about McDonald's.
1. I really need to figure out how to operate a DVD player.
That's right, it's time to get all Massie Block up in this bitch. Gonna go put on some Glossip Girl to bring out the amber flecks in my brown eyes. In
Under Armour
KIND Fruit and Nut Bars
Bobb McCulloch
Snapchat
Mustard's Last Stand for lunch
Hair Spray
Russian Lit
Internet Cat Video Festival
Out
Adidas
Nutella and bread
Swanky downtown apartments
Sexting
Ralph Lauren for lunch
Edge Tamer
Journalism in any form
Watching cat videos alone
