My first midterm was Stats. Me taking a stats midterm is literally the equivalent of a sitcom character doing the gag where they try to be two places at once (This happened a lot in Hannah Montana). I have faked my way through approximately 8 years of math. Once we hit long division, I realized that this shit was not my style. I also stopped taking math at Algebra II, the pope has actually declared it a religious miracle that I graduated high school/got into Northwestern/can function in society without acting like Forrest Gump.
As someone who still adds on their fingers, this stats midterm terrified me. I got my enginerd cheerleader friend to tutor me, I studied in the middle of my house in a lax pinnie and no bra until my eyes bled, and I eventually began thinking of ways to make a human centipede Halloween costume. I stayed up all night and paced in my bathroom for 20 minutes loudly singing "When Will My Life Begin" from the award- winning "Tangled" soundtrack.
I then went into the midterm and produced the mathematical equivalent of projectile vomiting on the test and handing that masterpiece in.
I then indulged in a sleep- deprived mental breakdown. I wandered around downtown Evanston for 30 minutes while crying Kim Kardashian style on the phone to my mom. Just picture a crying girl in a tear-stained, over-sized fraternity sweatshirt yelling about her deceased grandfather being disappointed in her because she doesn't understand regression lines and wandering through your local Starbucks.
I then went home, dropped the class, and fell asleep holding a bagel.
For the rest of my midterms, I really needed to buckle down. I went to the library and applied some of those "study skills" that St. Paul the Apostle tried desperately to teach me when all I wanted to do was be 10 and play M.A.S.H.
I set up shop in a cubicle in the ultimate pit of human suffering that is Main Library. I opened my Spanish books and got out my computer to listen to translations. After about half an hour, I had two tabs opened on my computer, a YouTube video titled "Top 25 Most Romantic Disney Moments" and an article called "Best Cat Memes of 2012".
I then ate a granola bar to stay focused. And by stay focused, I mean staying alert while I searched the Internet for photos of Paul Ryan shirtless and insider info on the new Star Wars film.
I had both my soc midterm and Spanish midterm on the same day. You would think the day of these two important exams I would really get in the proverbial zone. I instead watched videos of Boo the Dog wiggling his ears and nibbled on hummus until it was time to take the exams.
My Russian Lit midterm was the next day. Unfortunately, this was the day before Halloween. So clearly, I sat in the library watching Glee Rocky Horror on my laptop and thinking about all the pumpkin flavored things I would eat the next day.
If Sparknotes did not exist, I would currently be the world's sassiest T.J. Maxx employee.
I went back to my room, where I put on a dramatic play to the unwilling audience of my two roommates. This critically acclaimed one woman show was entitled, "I Think I'm Going to Fail Russian Lit Even Though I Won't , I Just Really Want Pumpkin Bread and Need to Be Dramatic About Everything."
After this freakout, I managed to squeeze in some last minute studying. And by studying, I mean I made extensive dinner reservations for my family's Disney World spring break trip. This proved more difficult than expected, as the restaurants needed to suitable for Kathen. It is nearly impossible to find a restaurant covered in glitter that also doesn't allow fat people inside.
I woke up the next morning, took the test, and did fine. I then inhaled a pumpkin spice latte and a slice of pumpkin bread.
There are two main points you should gain from post: 1) There's no way I should've been accepted to Northwestern. 2) I should probably hire a life coach/ become heavily medicated.
No comments:
Post a Comment