Which I think is a great idea. I mean, when has cyber-bullying ever yielded negative results? I mean, I'm pro-bullying in general. I was bullied for the majority of my young life for a having a weird middle name and a hot mom. But look at me now! All that verbal abuse has allowed me to develop a mean- spirited sense of humor and an inflated sense of self.
So here it is, a list of 5 things that make one person in this world just the worst. And as you all already knew, that person is me. Seriously, I suck.
1. Please stop telling the same long story over and over again. No one cares that Harry Caray held you as a baby after your parents took you to "Pocahontas". Just like no one cares about the one time your dad saved a mouse and you named it Alfredo. Just because some one in Sargent once told you that you were a great storyteller, does not mean it's true. If you keep telling your friends boring stories about your senior year A.P. Euro class , they will eventually smother you with your own sweatpants collection. Just shut up already, you sound like a drunk uncle at Christmas.
2. You do not look like Hayden Panettiere. Stop saying that. She has way better eyebrows than you and she can pull off spaghetti straps. No one agrees when you suggest you look like her. And if they do, they're lying. I get that she often plays a cheerleader and has a large forehead. Your similarities end there. She has movie star good looks, you do not. Get over yourself psychopath.
3. I've met 4th grade girls with a better developed taste in music. "Legally Blonde: The Musical" is not an appropriate answer for the question, "What is your favorite band?" You constantly say that you don't enjoy concerts, but that's because you never listen to any good music. Unfortunately for you, "The Little Mermaid" soundtrack does not go on tour. It honestly wouldn't kill to explore some music that isn't featured on iTunes Top Songs list or sung by animated crabs.
4. You are ridiculously horrible at math. How do you expect to make it through life like that? You stopped taking math at Algebra II ? How did you even get into college? I don't think you even understand the latent hatred all your friends probably have for you. They are the only reason you passed your pathetic three years of high school math. You could at least learn how to calculate tip or figure out how much you owe at group meals. You just end up throwing wads of singles at innocent friends, and dangerously under-tipping waiters at Eggsperience.
5. Being from Joliet does not make you that good of a dancer . Just because years of age inappropriate grinding at the St. Joe's grade school dance has taught you how get somewhat low, and years of cheerleading has allowed you a mediocre sense of rhythm, does not mean you are Beyonce. You were not considered a good dancer at your high school, so you're having a field day in college. All those white, nerdy, uncoordinated Wildcats are boosting your self- confidence to unhealthy levels. Stop dougie-ing at family events, and please don't attempt complicated footwork on a slippery dance floor again.
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