But not about the whole teenage marriage thing. I can't wait to see that backwoods- but -with -Disney-money wedding celebration. Between her hillbilly clan grinding to "Achy Breaky Heart' and Hemsworth's muscular, Australian stoner family, this thing will be oozing Cyrus class.
But Miley Ray did really hit the nail on the head with one of her earlier tween jams. No, it's not the spine-tingling ballad to Nick Jonas, "7 Things". I'm talking about her well constructed female anthem, G.N.O. Here's a sample of the lyrics:
"Don't call me
Leave me alone
Not gonna answer my phone
Cause I don't
No I won't see you"
"Cause it's a girl's night
It's alright without you
I'm gonna stay out
And play out without you
You better hold tight
This girl's night is without you"
I like that Ms. Cyrus gets right to the heart of the issue. Girls coordinate their lives around guys who wouldn't even notice if they got both their nipples pierced. Girls go out with their friends to prove they don't need you. They get dressed up and Instagram themselves at bars so you dudes get your proverbial shit together and pay attention to them. Or they go out and black out so they can forget that you responded to their last text with "K sounds good". The only reason most girl's nights exist is male gender screwed up in some way. Nonetheless, girl's night are often my favorite nights for just that reason.
Most girls are different when they aren't around guys. At parties with males around, girls are often trying to impress a some loser in the room, or they are stalking the guy they are obsessed with on Facebook for iPhone.
This is why I love the girl's night. I love when my crazy friends steal my phone for the evening (until I get so drunk I bite their hands while they're sleeping to get it back), so I'm not staring at it all night waiting for Chris Noth to somehow get my number and sext me. Hanging out with just girls is often hilarious. Whether it's getting inappropriately drunk in a suburban basement while wearing yoga pants , or going to a bar on a Wednesday with 20 girls you've never met before. Girls are funnier without guys around, and way more likely to tell stories about hooking up in a movie theater during "Step Up 2: The Streets" when playing Never Have I Ever.
However, the G.N.O is not to be taken lightly. When you take all that estrogen, put it in a Forever 21 tube skirt, and pour tequila down its throat, you run the risk of creating a monster with running mascara. You can end up playing slap cup in basement for two hours until you begin debating the diversity of the American Girl dolls. Or you can end up performing Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" karaoke in a crowded bar, then watching your friend make out with an Irish dude , and inexplicably losing some of your entourage to the emergency room.
However, girls and guys aren't that different. When we are alone we talk about all the same things: sex, alcohol, and "The Dark Knight Rises". We don't sit on the beach discussing wedding dresses or chihuahua outfits. Just like how you all are fascinated with how our boobs look in swimsuit tops, we're discussing your muscle definition and how weird your body looks playing beach volleyball (Ade).
Sadly, there really is no male equivalent to the girl's night out. Unfortunately, it's socially unacceptable for men to go out in packs, dance in tight circles, and talk about how much they hate the opposite sex for 4 hours straight. It really is a shame, because whenever I'm feeling down the G.N.O really restores my faith in humanity. It's there to remind us that no matter what happens, you don't need men to have a good time, and it's possible to finish a bottle of Jose in under 10 minutes. I will take the ability to have a girl's night out as a repayment for the fact women still make 80 cents to the male dollar. We may be the victim of inequality, but at least we can get dressed up, drink pink drinks with weird names, and jump around in circle after we beg an innocent DJ to play Madonna. Preach Madame Cyrus-Hemsworth, preach.
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