I would first like to say that Des has no one to blame but herself for this situation. She had a major ladyboner for Brooks and his yoga teacher hair since Day 1, and therefore paid no attention who the hell else was getting roses. For the love of God, the Fluid Pipe Drilling Engineer guy made it to hometown dates and Juan didn't. So I don't have a lot of sympathy for her now that she is stuck with a raging homosexual and a prematurely balding mannequin of a man.
That being said, this was one of the most entertaining episodes of this show I've ever had the pleasure of watching. Before the episode even started, Des was already giving me the greatest gift I've ever received aka "The Return of the Fantasy Suite Where Intercourse Could Actually Occur". After Emily with her ridiculous motherly virtue (YOU'RE ALREADY ON A TV DATING SHOW WITH YOUR CHILD) and Sean's pointless "born again viginity" (because that's a real thing), I have been awaiting the trashy/glorious return of an actual Fantasy Suite episode. And thanks to immoral Des, it was everything I ever dreamed of.
I Would've Paid 600,000 to Be a Fly on the Wall in the Drew/Des Fantasy Suite
- I know this joke has been made before, but I feel like during the interview process for getting on the show there should be some small confirmation that you are at least partly heterosexual. Like does anyone at ABC think Drew is even remotely interested in women? Or is this their fun way of giving Des the proverbial middle finger?
- Besides literally everything else he says and does, Drew's ability to limbo better than Des makes me strongly question his sexuality.
- I'm really not against Des marrying Drew, girlfriend could use the help. She's rocking the 2003 mini-poof hairstyle and a J.Crew bubble necklace knockoff. Homegirl looks like a University of Missouri sorority girl reject. Maybe Drew can teach her how to properly accessorize.
- WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS FANTASY SUITE. Like did Drew somehow manage to have sex with a woman?! ABC needs to start answering the important questions. My best guess is Drew prepared a lovely platter of aged cheeses and they shared a bottle of wine. He then faked a migraine and softly cried himself to sleep while Des was dreaming about doing it with Brooks.
Watching Paint Dry aka Talking to Chris
- God Chris is boring. His hairline is literally trying to recede as far away from his face as possible so it doesn't have to listen to him talk.
- These private island dates are so romantic and secluded. However, Grace posed an interesting question. What if you have to go to the bathroom? You're laying in the sand making out and then you're like "Hold on, I need to go wade in the ocean for 2-3 minutes. No, no you can stay on the beach. I'm just...hot. I need to cool off in the water from the waist down. Brb for the sexy picnic."
-Also, I never realized that Chris Harrison SIGNS the Fantasy Suite card. Is he Des' pimp?? "I invite you to this luxurious room to hook up with this emotionally damaged young girl. XOXO Chris Harrison ;)"
- I know Betches Love This made this joke, but can we just go back to eighth grade English for a hot second and tell Chris what a poem is? Also, I can tell you Des does not want poetry read to her, she doesn't even know what literature is. She skipped that class in high school to make out with the baseball captain under the bleachers.
Chris Harrison Continually Beats a Dead Horse
- The most drawn out conversation in Bachelorette history, C Hazy makes Brooks say he's just not that into Des roughly 600 times.
-Chris Harrison also looks seriously annoyed he has to do this. He looks like he's dressed for his fraternity's daytime mixer. The minute he's finished with this pointless interview, C Hazy is getting wasted and going cliff diving with his bros.
-Honestly, my biggest regret of this season is that C Hazy didn't rap a full verse in "Right Reasons". Who's to say that the ultimate facilitator of fake television love and drama doesn't need a girl for all four seasons?
- On a unrelated note, Brooks has the high-pitched voice of a dainty Japanese geisha.
^"I should've just got with Soulja Boy when I had the chance" -Des
- Whoever did the editing for this first Brooks/Des scene deserves an Emmy for Soullessness. Watching footage of Brooks talking about how he's about to dump Des cut with footage of Des standing on a beach mindlessly going on and on about their journey of love is so enjoyable to me, it makes me wonder if I'm a sociopath.
- She's so goddamn excited for this catamaran ride. Oh you're getting on a catamaran Des, a catamaran straight to relationship HELL.
- I would recap more of this explosive scene, but I have honestly no idea what Des was saying. At one point I think she's tries to break out into the chorus of One Direction's "Little Things" but then her words are overtaken by ugly sobs.
- Also, leave it to ABC to send out their camera and audio B squad for the best scene of the season. Was this filmed on a cell phone?? The camera work makes me feel like I'm watching the Blair Witch Project and the audio sounds like Brooks is dumping Des while they are both hangliding. (Like can ABC not afford boom mics anymore? The wind feedback is out of control. I'm trying to listen to a skinny girl get humiliated on national television)
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