10 Things I Learned While Watching the Bachelorette Finale: Part 2

10. Chris Harrison is Oprah in the eyes of this bored housewife studio audience. I legitimately thought he was going to send everyone home with a brand new Honda Civic.  I also think ABC checks to make sure this studio audience is properly cycled up before filming. 

 

 ^"Get out the toolbox, Des. It's time to get hammered" - C Hazy

9. When your oily-haired, questionably straight boyfriend dumps you on a dock in Antigua, you really let yourself go.  I know Des was elbow deep in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked after Brooks left. Not to mention the 10 shots of Cuervo she probably took to the eyeball. I SEE that sack dress and flat sandals at the next rose ceremony, I SEE you girl.

 ^The point of this dress is to hide pit stains. You know this girl is sweating straight Skol and cream cheese frosting. 

8. When there is a rose ceremony with two roses up for grabs and two dudes left, a whole lot of the drama is lost. No matter how many awkward editing pauses ABC creates, or what weird dramatic background music they play.  Two roses, two dudes, everybody wins. Except Des, she's still hungover. 

^This rose ceremony was the equivalent of when you were weird as a kid and you had to play hide and go seek with yourself. You won every time, but it was still kind of sad.

7. If you show up to your one-on-one horseback date still drunk from the night before, you now make the rules. Des decided this show was now Survivor and voted Drew's  soft ladyface off her goddamn island.

6. Des is seriously not going to give up on this catamaran-date thing. Last time you planned a crop top- catamaran excursion, you  lived a real life, Antiquan version of "He's Just Not That Into You". You really wanna go round two? Because I feel like now you're asking for a shark attack or an unplanned pregnancy. 

 

^"The producers are gonna kill me if I lose their cash-only catamaran deposit"

5. WE NEED TO START LEAVING MARSHALL MATHERS AT HOME.  WHY DOES SLIM SHADY GET TO COME TO ANTIGUA?!  HE CRUSHED YOUR HOMETOWN DATE WITH SEAN IN HIS MEATY, TATTOOED HANDS. 

 

^ "Cause it feels so empty without me" -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkUvmDQ3HY

4. Chris Siegfried was a virgin until his sophomore year of college. He lost his v-card at his mid-tier fraternity's spring formal, and he cried softly about it afterwards. This is when he first discovered his love of being awful at poetry. 

 

3. Side Embellishment + Ruching = 3 Months Pregnant 

 

^ "Oxycontin mixed with Jack D. That's how the producers got me off the floor and into this dress/sham of an engagement."

 2. SETTLE. If this show has taught me anything, it's that the love of your life will leave you and you should just marry whatever lapdog of a man brings up the idea first. Do not wait around for the love of your life, the love of your life is tequila. Simply lock it down with any mentally stable guy who offers you a rent-controlled apartment in Seattle. So what if he tries to pass of Phillip Phillips' lyrics as original poetry? You can afford to self- medicate for the next 50 years.

 

And finally....

1. NEXT JANUARY JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT HOTTER. GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!