10 Things I Learned While Watching the Bachelorette Finale: Part 2

10. Chris Harrison is Oprah in the eyes of this bored housewife studio audience. I legitimately thought he was going to send everyone home with a brand new Honda Civic.  I also think ABC checks to make sure this studio audience is properly cycled up before filming. 

 

 ^"Get out the toolbox, Des. It's time to get hammered" - C Hazy

9. When your oily-haired, questionably straight boyfriend dumps you on a dock in Antigua, you really let yourself go.  I know Des was elbow deep in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked after Brooks left. Not to mention the 10 shots of Cuervo she probably took to the eyeball. I SEE that sack dress and flat sandals at the next rose ceremony, I SEE you girl.

 ^The point of this dress is to hide pit stains. You know this girl is sweating straight Skol and cream cheese frosting. 

8. When there is a rose ceremony with two roses up for grabs and two dudes left, a whole lot of the drama is lost. No matter how many awkward editing pauses ABC creates, or what weird dramatic background music they play.  Two roses, two dudes, everybody wins. Except Des, she's still hungover. 

^This rose ceremony was the equivalent of when you were weird as a kid and you had to play hide and go seek with yourself. You won every time, but it was still kind of sad.

7. If you show up to your one-on-one horseback date still drunk from the night before, you now make the rules. Des decided this show was now Survivor and voted Drew's  soft ladyface off her goddamn island.

6. Des is seriously not going to give up on this catamaran-date thing. Last time you planned a crop top- catamaran excursion, you  lived a real life, Antiquan version of "He's Just Not That Into You". You really wanna go round two? Because I feel like now you're asking for a shark attack or an unplanned pregnancy. 

 

^"The producers are gonna kill me if I lose their cash-only catamaran deposit"

5. WE NEED TO START LEAVING MARSHALL MATHERS AT HOME.  WHY DOES SLIM SHADY GET TO COME TO ANTIGUA?!  HE CRUSHED YOUR HOMETOWN DATE WITH SEAN IN HIS MEATY, TATTOOED HANDS. 

 

^ "Cause it feels so empty without me" -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkUvmDQ3HY

4. Chris Siegfried was a virgin until his sophomore year of college. He lost his v-card at his mid-tier fraternity's spring formal, and he cried softly about it afterwards. This is when he first discovered his love of being awful at poetry. 

 

3. Side Embellishment + Ruching = 3 Months Pregnant 

 

^ "Oxycontin mixed with Jack D. That's how the producers got me off the floor and into this dress/sham of an engagement."

 2. SETTLE. If this show has taught me anything, it's that the love of your life will leave you and you should just marry whatever lapdog of a man brings up the idea first. Do not wait around for the love of your life, the love of your life is tequila. Simply lock it down with any mentally stable guy who offers you a rent-controlled apartment in Seattle. So what if he tries to pass of Phillip Phillips' lyrics as original poetry? You can afford to self- medicate for the next 50 years.

 

And finally....

1. NEXT JANUARY JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT HOTTER. GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

The Bachelorette Finale: My Thoughts on Part One

WARNING: If you have not already seen Part One of the finale, eaten to numb the pain, shopped online for crop tops, and then cried yourself to sleep, you probably shouldn't read this. You should also probably move out from underneath your Patrick Star-like rock home.

I would first like to say that Des has no one to blame but herself for this situation. She had a major ladyboner for Brooks and his yoga teacher hair since Day 1, and therefore paid no attention who the hell else was getting roses. For the love of God, the Fluid Pipe Drilling Engineer guy made it to hometown dates and Juan didn't.  So I don't have a lot of sympathy for her now that she is stuck with a raging homosexual and a prematurely balding mannequin of a man.

That being said, this was one of the most entertaining episodes of this show I've ever had the pleasure of watching. Before the episode even started, Des was already giving me the greatest gift I've ever received aka "The Return of the Fantasy Suite Where Intercourse Could Actually Occur".  After Emily with her ridiculous motherly virtue (YOU'RE ALREADY ON A TV DATING SHOW WITH YOUR CHILD) and Sean's pointless "born again viginity" (because that's a real thing), I have been awaiting the trashy/glorious return of an actual Fantasy Suite episode. And thanks to immoral Des, it was everything I ever dreamed of.

I Would've Paid 600,000 to Be a Fly on the Wall in the Drew/Des Fantasy Suite
- I know this joke has been made before, but I feel like during the interview process for getting on the show there should be some small confirmation that you are at least partly heterosexual. Like does anyone at ABC think Drew is even remotely interested in women? Or is this their fun way of giving Des the proverbial middle finger?
- Besides literally everything else he says and does, Drew's ability to limbo better than Des makes me strongly question his sexuality.
 - I'm really not against Des marrying Drew, girlfriend could use the help. She's rocking the 2003 mini-poof hairstyle and a J.Crew bubble necklace knockoff. Homegirl looks like a University of Missouri sorority girl reject. Maybe Drew can teach her how to properly accessorize.  
- WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS FANTASY SUITE. Like did Drew somehow manage to have sex with a woman?! ABC needs to start answering the important questions. My best guess is Drew prepared a lovely platter of aged cheeses and they shared a bottle of wine. He then faked a migraine and softly cried himself to sleep while Des was dreaming about doing it with Brooks.

Watching Paint Dry aka Talking to Chris
- God Chris is boring. His hairline is literally trying to recede as far away from his face as possible so it doesn't have to listen to him talk.
- These private island dates are so romantic and secluded. However, Grace posed an interesting question. What if you have to go to the bathroom?  You're laying in the sand making out and then you're like "Hold on, I need to go wade in the ocean for 2-3 minutes. No, no you can stay on the beach. I'm just...hot. I need to cool off in the water from the waist down. Brb for the sexy picnic."
-Also, I never realized that Chris Harrison SIGNS the Fantasy Suite card. Is he Des' pimp?? "I invite you to this luxurious room to hook up with this emotionally damaged young girl. XOXO Chris Harrison ;)"
- I know Betches Love This made this joke, but can we just go back to eighth grade English for a hot second and tell Chris what a poem is? Also, I can tell you Des does not want poetry read to her, she doesn't even know what literature is. She skipped that class in high school to make out with the baseball captain under the bleachers.

Chris Harrison Continually Beats a Dead Horse
- The most drawn out conversation in Bachelorette history, C Hazy makes Brooks say he's just not that into Des roughly 600 times.
-Chris Harrison also looks seriously annoyed he has to do this. He looks like he's dressed for his fraternity's daytime mixer. The minute he's finished with this pointless interview, C Hazy is getting wasted and going cliff diving with his bros. 
-Honestly, my biggest regret of this season is that C Hazy didn't rap a full verse in "Right Reasons". Who's to say that the ultimate facilitator of fake television love and drama doesn't need a girl for all four seasons?
- On a unrelated note, Brooks has the high-pitched voice of a dainty Japanese geisha.

 

^"I should've just got with Soulja Boy when I had the chance" -Des

Des Cries on a Dock for 20 Straight Minutes
- Whoever did the editing for this first Brooks/Des scene deserves an Emmy for Soullessness. Watching footage of Brooks talking about how he's about to dump Des cut with footage of Des standing on a beach mindlessly going on and on about their journey of love is so enjoyable to me, it makes me wonder if I'm a sociopath.
- She's so goddamn excited for this catamaran ride. Oh you're getting on a catamaran Des, a catamaran straight to relationship HELL.
- I would recap more of this explosive scene, but I have honestly no idea what Des was saying. At one point I think she's tries to break out into the chorus of One Direction's "Little Things" but then her words are overtaken by ugly sobs.
- Also, leave it to ABC to send out their camera and audio B squad for the best scene of the season. Was this filmed on a cell phone?? The camera work makes me feel like I'm watching the Blair Witch Project and the audio sounds like Brooks is dumping Des while they are both hangliding. (Like can ABC not afford boom mics anymore? The wind feedback is out of control. I'm trying to listen to a skinny girl get humiliated on national television)