10 Things I Learned from The Bachelorette Finale: Part II and ATFR

10. Hy and Nick got along so swimmingly because they both enjoy shooting people with antique hunting rifles and avoiding prosecution.

Hy: Why are you so nervous??

Because you're obviously hiding a semi-automatic rifle under your sweaty manboob, Hy. Luckily, Nick is concealing a machete under his Henley for when she slices up Andi in order to wear her skin as a suit.

^ "'I will shoot you in the face if ya'll call my daughter a slut on national TV"

9.  Brooks and Drew were sitting together in the studio audience, which means they are 100% engaged. Brooks even tweeted a picture of the back of Drew's head during the show (see below). This wedding is about to be fabulous with a capital "F", y'all. 

^ "Cause allllll of me, loves alll of Drew"

8. Don't do like six rails of uncut Dominican cocaine and then go meet your girlfriend's parents. Josh was sweating like a whore in church, and his left eye kept uncontrollably twitching. I don't know much blow he did before this, but he was so hopped up he couldn't follow conversation. 

Hy: I think this is a camp romance, also what exactly is your job? 
Josh: Andi is a dimepiece, great job making her. Your sperm did big things. 
Hy: This entire show is bullshit. Someone give me my fruit basket and get this jumpy bastard away from me.
Josh: I got that forever kind of love feel.

7.  In the Georgia, you can just decide that someone is your property.  Josh said he was going to "make Andi his wife" like 60 times.  How about "ask for her hand in marriage?" Or "ask her to be your wife?" During the proposal, I was half expecting Josh to throw Andi over his shoulder, bang on his chest like Donkey Kong, and jump into the ocean.  At one point Josh looks right at the camera and basically yells, ANDI IS MY WIFE. WE ARE MARRIED. Not to mention  he  the producers made her a baseball card where her name is Murray. Guess we're not discussing the possibility of hyphenation.

^"Andi you pretty. Andi you mine. Andi you Murray now."- Tarzan, Lord of the Apes

6. If you want to make someone less sexually attracted to you in a matter of seconds, wear an outfit that is all the same color. Preferably a shade of blue that can only be purchased at your neighborhood Foot Locker.

^"His balls are blue, da ba dee da ba die"

5. I'm not the only one who noticed Andi has been looking a little less toned.

Andi: What's a day like in Chicago? 
Nick: Well we go buy you some goddamn salad, and then we work out together  I leash you to the treadmill in our basement, and watch you run like a defenseless hamster on a wheel.

I don't blame Andi for gaining 2 and a half pounds, by the way. White wine is mad caloric and the producer's have just been pouring Chardonnay into a dog's water bowl for her during meal times. That, coupled with the fact she's has to be on a steady IV drip of Pinot to get through a date with Nick, is bad news bears for anyone's lovehandles. 


4. The wardrobe team could not find a f*ck to give at this point.  Not a single one.   
Andi's dress on season premiere = something Halle Berry would wear to the Oscars.
Andi's dress for the proposal = something Kirstie Alley might wear on a beach vacation. I could literally walk out the door right now and go purchase that shit at Cache.

^ABC  funneled all of its money into Grumpy Cat . Budget cuts had to be made.

3. Not only does Chris Harrison host this show, he is responsible for sound stage security, the studio's messenger service, and controlling blacked out middle-aged women in the studio audience-- he slipped up when that Russian hooker crawled onstage during Men Tell All.

Seriously, Nick rolls up to Men Tell All and the only person he has to go through is C Hazy? What happened to the sassy "nobody brings me flowers" security guard from the premiere?? (Probably already starring in a spinoff series- Guardian of Love, Tuesdays 10 p.m. on Bravo!)

Like we couldn't get an intern to deliver Andi that cheap ass piece of loose leaf? Daddy has better things to do.

^"I have to go clean Grumpy Cat's litter box after this"

2. Do not sleep with a Chicago-based baseball tee enthusiast, and then not marry him afterwards. He will call you "cavalier" with your vagina on national television. That's not how they play ball in Waukesha-- you bone it, you own it sister. 

^"Deep Vs til I die, motherf*ckers. Waukesha out"

1. C Hazy is a lying bastard.  Tell us who the next Bachelor is, you over-tanned weasel.

The Bachelorette: Liar, Liar, Andi Is A Ugly Crier

 Nick's One- on- One aka The Douchelord of the Opera

-First of all, there is no life behind Nick V.'s eyes. The fact that Andi isn't creeped out by him only exemplifies her horrible taste in men. Andi was definitely that girlfriend in college who would always take a ride home from the bar with a guy she just met who has like an eye-patch and six guns in his backseat. Also Nick V.'s job? Software Sales Executive is clearly code for "professional catfish/ guy who 'accidentally' shoves girls in bars."

-Full disclosure, during the nighttime portion of this date when Andi pulled up in the gondola wearing that creepy ass, Phantom of the Opera mask, I spit a piece of edamame onto my rug.

^ I can't even touch this one ABC

-They then sit down to their dinner (that seems to consist only white wine?) and immediately Andi goes right for the jugular.

Andi: Do you think you're the front runner? 

FYI NICK... 

Nick: I don't like that word, but 100% yes because honestly look at me, I'm ~flawless~

^Bow down, bitches

-They then arise from their wine dinner, and put on the masks that they wear for approximately a minute and a half. However, that's all the time Nick needs to make a groan -worthy metaphor about how he's finally taking his mask off now that he's told Andi he wants to bone loves her. The producers for sure had that stretch of a romantic analogy on a cue card for Nick to deliver halfheartedly.


Group Date aka Love the Way You Lie  

-While on the subject of guys from Chicago who wear deep v-necks to bars, Cody is so excited about his little date, it's like he doesn't get that this one-on-one is a mere parting gift. I choked on my wine when he made it through last week #RIPmarquel #neverforget

-As per a drinking game I made up myself and play alone, every time Andi reads one of these inane secret admirer letters, finish your glass of wine before she's done reading. There's no punishment if you don't finish, but the reward is that the episode is now slightly more entertaining. And Chris looks a little taller.

-Also, this group date looks like bid night at SAE. Why is everyone wearing pastel yellow shorts??

-These Italian lie detector dudes have no idea what they got themselves into.

Guy 1: Quali ze fuck are zese "right reasons"??

Guy 2: Idk, man. Let's just ask them if they fart in public. 


-Favorite moment during the lie detector test? Hands down when they asked JJ if he was good in bed and he answered so confidently it sounded crazy defensive.

JJ: Look at me bro, Pantsaprenuer means I can rip LuLu Lemon leggings off with my teeth. Next question Mario and Luigi. 

- Highlight of the episode in general? When Josh freaked the f*ck out about having to take a lie detector. Homie was having Guantanamo flashbacks or something. Or maybe he was just terrified they were going to ask him what he got on the ACT.

Josh: "From what I've seen it's just like yes or no, like you don't get to explain your answer. Like if they ask if I've had sex with a man, I can't explain how crazy turnt our locker room celebration got after we won the Oberweis Christmas Festival Exhibition Game? I just have to say yes?"

- Was anyone else hoping one of these guys was actually going to be outed as a giant racist during the lie detector? Just me? 


- Also, such a bummer Dylan had raging diarrhea/ anal leakage during this group date. You hate to see that.

- Also, I have no joke for Josh's scarf. I think the scarf itself is supposed to be a joke. Josh's scarf stole the show (pun intended in a big way).  Did he lose a bet? He looked like a 7th grade girl trying to hide her first ever hickey on school picture day. Give it up Josh, my mom has never believed the bullshit curling iron burn excuse.  (Okay, so maybe I had a small joke)

^ Click for an Artistic Dramatization

 - I feel like I would make an amazing Bachelorette because the main obligation is making out with dudes you're not at all interested in during awkward social situations. Andi has made out with Marcus multiple times and we all know he sits at home making baby mobiles from bird skeletons. He also bears a striking resemblance to Arthur the Aardvark. 

- Cue the scene where Josh cries about how Andi doesn't trust him. We all know the only thing he's hiding is 7+ years of steroid use and his abnormally small testicles. 


Cody's One-on-One aka Wherefore Art Thou Meathead?

- The scene where they read the letters to Juliet is basically the scene in Beauty and the Beast where Belle teaches the Beast how to read. 

- The questions that plague me: What is deeper, Cody's v-neck (which he's wearing underneath a blazer for a formal dinner date #swag) or his rapidly receding hairline? 

-My cold heart breaks for Cody. He started reading that sad little letter that took him 6 hours and a 3rd grade dictionary to write, and Andi's all like, "I'm going to stop you there meathead. I'm a fancy lawyer lady. I'll date a personal trainer when I'm 47 and cheating on my emotionally distant husband."

- Also, can Andi please chill with the waterworks? Boo hoo, you had to send someone home-- that's the basic premise of this show homegirl. Save your tears for when you really need them, like when the love of your life abandons you on a dock in Antigua (#tbt).  

Andi: "Who am I to send someone home?!?" 

^ The Bachelorette, that's who. The master of your own vagina. Chris Harrison doesn't make these decisions, you do. It's not all tonsil hockey and gondola rides Dorfman, man up. 


Cocktail Party 

- Nick V. already has a rose but sees the cocktail party as a prime opportunity to be a giant douchehole. She steals Andi away to furiously make-out. Everyone whines. Nick V. is like that super hot guy you loved in college, even though he was an emotionally unavailable a-hole who cared more about flip cup can he did about you--except without the super hot part. 

-  Can we talk about the fact that Brian had to write down a poem that was approximately a sentence long? Either he's taken one to many basketballs to the noggin, or he's caught a case of Cody's illiteracy. 

- Can we also take bets on where C Hazy was during this entire episode?! Andi had to announce her first one-on-one herself. It's comforting knowing Chris is raking in millions of dollars by simply showing up at the very end of an hour-long episode and half-pretending to listen to Andi. He was definitely in Amsterdam rolling blunts in a cafe the entire time. He was totally blazed when Andi was running her mouth about her fake problems. 

"Look at all the f*ks I give. I'm wearing a goddamn turtleneck"

- In conclusion, if you wear a suit jacket without a tie on national television, you deserve to be deported back to San Francisco. Thanks for playing, JJ.