Roses Are Red

In all of my years, I have never watched/ been enticed by "The Bachelor". I think I watched one episode when I was in about the 6th grade with my best friend, where someone gave someone else a painting of a white tiger and there may have been some amateur guitar playing.

However, when I got into this godforsaken sorority "The Bachelor' entered my life. I was forced into a room with 16 girls in pajama pants screaming about something called a Fantasy Suite.And now I cannot stop. I can feel my IQ and self esteem lowering every time I watch, but I need to know who gets the goddamn rose.

I was introduced to the show with a season that was "The Bachlorette" and it was Emily's season. Soon after watching the first episode, I realized the show was formulated for the criminally insane. Emily was a life-size Polly Pocket and was about as much fun as dysentery. She was beautiful, but so dull you desperately wanted her to develop a pills addiction just to make her a little more two-dimensional. I guess her attempt at depth was the fact that her husband died tragically while parachuting or speed skating or something equally as ridiculous. She also named her daughter Ricki, because I guess she's always wanted her child to drop out of an online university and work at a Sonic. Also, I'm going to say the thing you're not allowed to say. For coming out of a smokeshow like Emily, Ricki is a pretty unfortunate looking. If you told me she was one of Honey Boo Boo's lost sisters, I would not be alarmed.

That entire champagne -filled season was ridiculous. Between an alleged venture capitalist showing up in a helicopter (to only be promptly dumped for a calling a human toddler exactly what she is, baggage) and Alejandro the mushroom farmer pretending like this was going to go his way, every episode was a new layer of shitshow. Not to mention, we were forced watch Chris (aka Pointy-Faced-Anus- Mouth) talk through practically closed lips about his "connection" with Emily week after week. I have honestly said more eloquent things about my connection with Buffalo Wild Wings.

This season ended with the sweet victory of Jef With One "F". Yes, we are supposed to believe that smokeshow Emily chose to spend the rest of her life with a Chloe purse- obsessed Hobbit who styles his hair like a bicurious cockatiel. This is also the man she chose to help raise her slightly overweight child. And we're all really surprised this fairy tale didn't work out.

This season is already looking more than promising. In extreme close-ups, Sean resembles a friendly cartoon dinosaur. From far away, he looks like a Southern Ken doll and takes his shirt off way more than humanely necessary. This is the one part of the show I think ABC is doing a wonderful job with. I would suggest all future dates take place at a waterpark or steam room.

There is also a girl on this season with one arm. ABC takes diversity to a new level, and finds the sexiest handicapped person in the continental U.S. Of course, ABC isn't all class. Anytime this lovely one- armed lady is on a date, the cameraman decides to shoot an extreme close-up of her nub and cut to that shot instead of her face while she speaks. If you tuned into the episode too late, you could be convinced Sean was dating a faceless arm nub.  ABC also felt the most appropriate one-on-one date for the one- armed girl was scaling a pylon and free-falling 30 stories.

ABC has really tried to be politically correct this time around. Instead of casting ethnic girls and cutting them all first round, they are clearly forcing Sean (a hardcore blonde Southerner) to carry them through a few rounds. As long as they can act pretty white and still be considered a working professional, Sean will throw them in a group date for the next few episodes. And passing yourself off as a career woman is pretty simple in "The Bachelor" world, seeing as how half the women are "Jumbotron operators", "professional organizers", or knitting therapists.

I'm just hoping Sean spices things up this season. After his prank on Desiree proved to be comedic gold, I say he keeps going. Maybe next time he's forced to attend a private concert with a single mom who looks like a horse, he can just fake his own death.

I also fully doubt any of these anorexic substitute teachers are actually "only here for Sean". See you fake bitches (and Karsten) at the rose ceremony.


*This blog post was inspired by Karsten, the New York sociopath who got me addicted to this garbage.  She is the only person I know who genuinely could be cast on the Bachelor. She would be the ambiguously ethnic investment banker who physically abuses the other contestants and talks about her high school a lot.

**This was also inspired by Marianna Cooper who helped me discover that Desiree talks like a dog magically transformed into a skinny human. (ei. "I like steak", "I like walks", "Let's swim"..)