5) Minka Kelly as Jacqueline Kennedy in Lee Daniels' The Butler
For the love of God and pillbox hats where is the uproar over this?! Are we really going to let a flawless symbol of American royalty be portrayed by someone who was once engaged to Derek Jeter?! I had faith in American cinema until this announcement. The definition of class, grace, modern elegance, and the subject of many of my grade school history reports, Jackie O is perfection. Minka Kelly is the daughter of an exotic dancer. To be fair, I really don't have anything against Minka Kelly. She's so beautiful it makes me want to swear off chicken nuggets forever (jk lol).
But who made the executive decision that the kinda- slutty cheerleader from Friday Night Lights should play arguably the most revered woman in American history? The only feasible explanation is that a studio executive must have really loved her groundbreaking performance in The Roommate. But then that begs the question, why not cast Aly Michalka as your First Lady? That belly button ring scene struck a deep, emotional chord with the American public. I just think if we're going to cast someone as Jackie O, we should at least make sure they're literate. Also, we should probably make sure they didn't star in a horrible Charlie's Angels remake.
^Minka's response when asked to locate Cuba on a map
4) Matthew McConaughey as Anyone Who ISN'T a Male Stripper Named Dallas in Many Unrealistic Romantic Comedies and Movies My Nana Likes
If Matthew McConaughey had not been randomly discovered at a rural gas station, Magic Mike would be his gritty biopic. After seeing a half-naked McConaughey crack a whip on stage at a strip club, I cannot comprehend how he was ever cast in any other roles ever. It was like watching Peyton Manning pick up a football for the first time. The man was put on this Earth to be an fake-tanned gambling addict from Northern Florida.
Not to mention I'm sick of trying to buy him as a viable romantic comedy love interest. I want to be swept of my feet by a guy who owns at least one pair of dress shoes, not be forced to live in McConaughey's beach trailer/hippie love shack.
Not to mention I'm sick of trying to buy him as a viable romantic comedy love interest. I want to be swept of my feet by a guy who owns at least one pair of dress shoes, not be forced to live in McConaughey's beach trailer/hippie love shack.
^This was not the work of any costume designer. McConaughey showed up to set with those sweaty bike shorts crumpled in the bottom of his hemp messenger bag.
3) Emma Watson as Nicki in The Bling Ring
Emma Watson is a fantastic actress and I am forever loyal to her (and the Order of the Phoenix), but this movie's casting dissapointed me greatly. As many of you probably know, Watson's character in the film is based on real-life, Loubouton -wearing thief Alexis Neiers.
Now I 'm not one to get emotional, but have you ever loved someone more than anything and then just had them leave you? Have you ever watched the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with totally change before your eyes? That's happened to me, and Alexis Neiers is the one the got away. I wanted to spend the rest of my life lying in bed watching E!'s Pretty Wild. Alexis took heroin-rage and hoop earrings to the next level of entertainment. That crazy bitch brought me more joy than anything else in this world. But nowadays she's stopped shooting up in hotel rooms and screaming at journalists, and has found Jesus. And now all I have is the rapidly- aging Kardashians.
All Sophia Coppola needed to do was to cast Alexis Neiers as Alexis Neiers, and to bring back the golden days of the Nancy Jo Sales voicemail. Because everyone (and E! Entertainment Television) knows that's what America really wanted to see.
^She is now a mother. That is all.
2) Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes in Batman Begins
Overall, this franchise cast the classic Batman roles unbelievably well. Christian Bale is the best Batman the American public has had in years (not actually a difficult feat, considering the ridiculously low bar set by that Clooney disaster), and Joseph Gordon Levitt makes Robin suck significantly less. However, the Batman Begins casting director apparently owed money to the Church of Scientology and decided to cast a heavily-sedated Katie Holmes as the dynamic Rachel Dawes.
As a sexy District Attorney, Rachel Dawes is supposed to provide a few snappy one-liners and some palpable sexual tension to keep people interested in the romantic subplot of the film. Katie Holmes simply wanders through the film, speaking in her high-pitched, Dawson's Creek whisper of a voice, and making everyone wonder why sex- on- a- stick Bruce Wayne is even looking in her direction. She looks like Sarah Plain and Tall and he's definitely not into her personality, because homegirl's about as vibrant as a can of SPAM.
But kudos to Christopher Nolan and Co. for righting their serious casting wrong, and kicking Mrs. Cruise to the proverbial curb. Technically "scheduling conflicts" led to the recasting, but I'm sure Nolan jumped at the chance to rid himself of this shell of a human being. This "scheduling conflict" was the Hollywood equivalent of your annoying ex-lab partner texting you to get coffee, and you pulling a mandatory DM committee meeting out of thin air. Maggie Gyllenhaal does resemble a loyal pug, but she's at least capable of playing intelligent and charismatic. Like are we supposed to believe Katie Holmes made it through law school? LOL
^Katie waking up from the Rohypnol-induced power nap she took during her first 40 minutes of screen time
1) Jennifer Aniston as Someone You Wouldn't Want to Marry in He's Just Not That Into You
This was so ridiculous it should be punishable by some sort of white-collar jail time. This fantastically ridiculous romantic comedy served two purposes: 1) To help the perpetually single girl get out of bed every morning without emotionally eating 7 Pop Tarts for breakfast 2) To convince everyone else that Ginnifer Goodwin is the most unbearable human being alive and that she should be locked up like a dangerous wolfman, or at least banished to ABC television.
But in this film, Jennifer Aniston is cast as someone who's boyfriend refuses to marry her. Seriously?? This is a giant slap to the face to those of us who are actually unfit for marriage. The only thing I can cook is burnt pancakes and I just buy new underwear instead of washing my old ones, so I'd appreciate it if New Line Cinema didn't belittle my struggle. Please don't cast the most desirable woman on Earth as someone you don't want to lock it down with. She's Rachel from Friends, for Christ's sake. She has flawless skinny arms and impeccable comedic timing, I would marry the woman. People who look like Jennifer Aniston do not have trouble finding love, and her casting makes the entire movie completely unrealistic. It totally discredits Scarlett Johansson's dramatic turn as a struggling singer/ total slut.
^I once said this into the drive-thru speaker at a local Steak n' Shake
And guess what? The boyfriend who was apparently too busy living on his dumb boat to marry Jen? Played by the one-and-only Ben Affleck. (See how we take jokes full circle on this blog? I'm not just making things up as I go along) And you know what, he eventually makes the difficult sacrifice to have sex with this ogre for the rest of his life. He commits. And that is what he's going to do for the Batman role, he's going to commit to us and try to keep us happy like the needy housewife we are. And come on, it can't be any worse than Man of Steel, right? Seriously, please tell me it can't get any worse than Man of Steel.
^For better or for worse Ben. And just know, no matter how many hours you put in at work, we will always find something to nag you about. Be it not spending enough time with the kids, forgetting to take out the trash, or the fact that the Batsuit fits your crotch weird.
