Needless to say I am not a "California Gurl" of the Katy Perry/Snoop Dogg variety quite yet, but I went on a hike for fun on Saturday so we're getting there. Here are my current feelings on my transplant situation. I love living in California/ I feel like I might have already learned how to surf through observation, but I still have some complaints. They are as follows:
Things I Do NOT Like About Living in California
5. Everyone thinks exercise is fun. Swimming, hiking, surfing, beach volleyball are all intense cardio disguised as friendship building activities. I see through this facade. Because no one has suggested we drink Tequila Sunrises and wear Brandy Melville sundresses on these "fun hikes", I am told to bring water and wear athletic shorts. It's almost as if I'm being told to bring items I would normally bring to the gym. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I call bullshit, hippies.
4. Attitudes towards celebrities
a. Nobody even cares. Like not even remotely. If you try to tell someone from California about the time you saw Chelsea Handler in LAX, they look at you like you are recounting your most recent colonoscopy. I sat behind John C. Reilly on a plane, and I want you to look interested for at least five seconds. He's Mr.Cellophane, for Christ's sake.
b. They also know too much about celebrities. My middle America upbringing has led me to wholeheartedly believe that Jennifer Aniston is a perfect goddess who invented the little black dress. I don't want that illusion shattered by stories about her being a real human. I don't need some LA person who once worked as Katie Holmes' dog's assistant telling me how she once saw Will Smith at a party and he's actually bisexual. What is wrong with you?! Are you telling me the man that once wore a tropical print 3-piece-suit in a music video is NOT the pinnacle of heterosexuality? Stop ruining "Hitch" for me, you kale-eating social climber.
3. No walking unless you are wearing a tinfoil hat and have rabies. For someone who genuinely hates exercise, I actually like walking (short distances). I find walking to Starbucks alone peaceful. I think about weird things, like what would happen if they did a Zoey 101 reunion. I enjoy a quick walk to the Evanston CVS while listening to the new Demi Lovato CD and choroeographing elaborate music videos in my head. This is not possible in L.A., because walking anywhere that is not to/from your car is the ultimate declaration that you are indeed homeless. And unfortunately, driving to Starbucks does not offer me the same tranquility as walking. Mainly because I am a horrible driver and I need to constantly focus on the road to avoid manslaughter charges. If I start thinking about Pacific Coast Academy and it's Vespa obsession, I could kill at least 5 innocent civilians.
2. At a local trendy eatery, chips and guac costs roughly 5 million dollars. Back in Joliet, you can get a margarita the size of an above ground pool and guacamole for about a nickel. Plus if you're an attractive guy and the homosexual La Mex manager fancies you, you don't even have to pay at all. Why am I paying 13 dollars for a bowl of guacamole in this gilded hellhole of a city?? Are the avocados grown in Kristen Bell's home sustainability garden?! If these are not the same avocados that Dax Shepard also consumes, there's just no way they're worth 13 dollars. L.A. decides something is trendy and then makes you take out additional student loans to purchase it. I don't care if this is a croissant- fusion doughnut with Chambord baked into the batter, it's still not better than a 69 cent Donut-on-a Stick with seasonal sprinkles from Home Cut. (Joliet sidebar: Do we think it's called Home Cut because someone has actually been "cut" in that seedy parking lot?)
1. I still don't like quinoa and lying about it is becoming exhausting. I know it's a complete protein, but so is salami. Quinoa tastes like uncooked rice plus cat litter.Whole Foods is pushing this stuff on me like it's going out of style (Don't worry it's not. Buzzfeed still talks about it). And stop making burgers out of it, they suck.
* There's another thing that's bothering me but it did not warrant being actually listed as a full-on complaint. I can't find a Wendy's near me. It's not like I constantly eat Wendy's, but I would like the comfort of knowing where the Wendy's is in case I want it. It's a peace of mind issue.
