Back by popular (or just one annoying Swiss girl's) demand, I am going to verbally abuse my friends for everyone on the Interweb to see. If you're offended, just know I'm not even sorry.
I'll switch things around this time and do more guys than girls. See, this blog takes such unexpected twists and turns! Next week I'll be making info graphics about foreign policy!
Okay now ladies (Tyga voice)..
Tits
I have grown close to Tits this year, too close. She lives right next door to me and my paper thin walls are allowing me a pathetic amount of insight to her life. She is the only college student I've ever met who FaceTimes her father every single day and gets in arguments with him via email about not buying her Justin Bieber tickets. She demands perfection from everyone and everything, whether its an innocent cab driver or foreign waiter at Clarke's. This classic New Yorker will argue with them, whisper about them, and then dangerously under- tip them. She went to Jewish school,
where she played on what I can only assume was the worst basketball team in existence ever in America and where they didn't celebrate Halloween (also known as child abuse). Some would see Tits as a straight-laced perfectionist, but I see her for what she really is, a wild child. Famous for getting kosher wine drunk and saying inappropriate things, this girl can wop like no other.With the confidence to hit a crush party dressed as a Dominatrix
or just not hit crush party at all, Tits will verbally assault everyone at the Keg and steal another sorority's cab. She can be seen wandering around bars dressed in a full winter coat, hat, and matching gloves.
Here are some classic Tits quotes I've been collecting:
"I was basically the Jewish Regina George."
"You can't legally own kitten heels unless your a mom and they're Manolos."
"Sorry, I don't own any earrings that aren't pearls or some form of diamonds."
"One of our bat mitzvahs was at 40/40 and Jay-Z came. The girl's dad like owned Rocca Wear, but we all knew he was secretly in the Russian mafia."
Judy
Judy and Tits go together like two schizophrenics in an insane asylum, since they both have mild rage strokes when someone sits on their sheets. She's Egyptian but is from Switzerland, so of course she's painfully cooler than everyone I've ever come in contact with ever. Her clothes are all completely covered in spikes, which makes hugging her a dangerous Indiana Jones- style adventure.
If there was an international spokesperson for cheese and Ciabatta rolls, it would be Judy. Nothing brings her more unadulterated joy than unique combinations of butter, American cheese, and croissants. I honestly think Cheesie's brings her more raw emotion than the birth of her first born child will. We have also started our own musical group, a Beyonce tribute band entitled
"Joliet's Finest and Swiss Chocolate." We currently cannot decide what will blow up first, this band's cover of "Love on Top" or the all-immigrant magazine we're publishing exclusively for immigrant parents of Rogers Park. She can be seen either sneaking into Elder or crying like Elmo with her mouth wide open on any given street corner in downtown Evanston.
I think this Judy quote just speaks for itself:
"No, seriously guys. I've dated gypsies before and it sucks."
Now manfriends...
West
If I had to pick one male who has consistently been there for me throughout my college experience, it would be West. He's volunteered to be my date on my last birthday, allowed me to order about six Long Islands on his credit card, and then dragged me home in my tiara after the night took a turn for the vomit. However, West has more emotions in his pinky finger than I have in my whole body.
This boy goes from zero to love in about 2 shots. If I had a dollar for every text he's sent me past 2 a.m. professing his love for a girl he just met at the Keg, I would have enough money to pay him back for those Long Islands.
We found each other in a hopeless place last year (Bobb-McCulloch), where he was known to "spit dat study game" in the McLounge and had a Haley Joel Osment-like sixth sense for walking into my room at the exact moment I take my top off. If you're lucky enough to go with him to formal, he might just vomit all over you and make you carry him up two flights of stairs.
Molly
One of my first manfriends here NU, Molly is one unique guy.
A world-renowned professional eater, if you chose to date him he will make you accompany him to Burger King sober at 1 a.m. Molly loves high school girls, but not more than he loves Chick-Fil-A. If given the choice between free Chick-n Minis for life or an intimate relationship with a Victoria's Secret model, he would debate it for awhile, but ultimately decide on the chicken.
Surprisingly, this Michael Phelps diet does not lead to an increase in his calf size. I once left him alone in my room for five minutes, and then walked in on him doing calf raises. Despite those adorable toothpicks, Molly still manages to charm the ladies. Most guys see a hot girl and whisper to their friends how they could have all the intercourse with them, but Molly takes a different approach. He's known for seeing an attractive female and saying "I would wife that up." This is a refreshing change of pace from most sex-crazed 20 year old boys.
Finally, a man who sees a nice rack and immediately thinks of starting a joint checking account.
^ I'm probably going to have to buy Molly waffle fries to make up for the calves comment
Katie-
I have often half-joked that this blog has only one loyal reader, and that reader is Katie. Katie is the only man I know who openly admits to having this blog bookmarked on his computer.
This is probably because we are one in the same. Known for being a constant fixture at the Keg/Deuce, Katie knows how to have a good time. I have seen this boy go to the Keg, make-out with a random female, and then triumphantly pass out face-first in plate of nachos. On his birthday, he forced us all to storm the Keg on a desolate night. Like a true romantic, Katie believes the Keg is only adorable when Taylor Swift remixes are playing
. So like the weekend warrior he is, he took to the pole screaming "Play Taylor Swift! Make it Cute! Play Taylor Swift!". He ended this night in the cutest way possible, by ripping his green polo down the middle like a tiny Hulk and then attempting to make out with his male roommate.
But this not an unusual occurrence, because Katie is the undisputed king of the make-out. Katie is one smooth operator, one minute your aimlessly wandering around the party, the next you're somehow backed against a wall with Katie's hands/tongue on your face. I could use my iPhone photos to make a very tasteful scrapbook entitled
"Katie Accosting Random Chicks with His Mouth." But its all in good fun, and it's a place we've all been.
An actual statistic: 57% of the Northwestern population was rejected from Ivy League schools but accepted by Katie's mouth. The reason he gets away with this is because it's impossible to get mad at Katie. With eyes like Zooey Deschanel, he will pout like a golden retriever until you forgive him. Not to mention he's pretty good friend. He'll text you Emojii hearts at 3 a.m.,
or stand with you in the corner of the Deuce to reassure you that you won't end up a spinster with only a vegetable garden and an Etsy legging shop. Whether he's wrapped in a blanket fighting back tears because his sad excuse for a football team blew a huge lead (Go Bears), or when he's just cuddling you in the Triple, it's clear
Katie is truly the one who makes it cute.
